(Pictured: the only pot I keep in my house and freak out when I'm running low on is this shit. This shit is good)
In case you don't know me in real life and have never met me in person and believe me to be some bowl-cut sporting girl's volleyball coach at the local community college, let me level with you. I am an extremely girlie girl. Well, unless the phrase "girlie girl" denotes someone who doesn't curse like a sailor even in her sleep. See if you can possibly wrap your head around this; my love for football and basketball and blue humor is only surpassed by my love of shopping for pretty dresses and makeup. Seriously, I have had a lifelong fascination, nay, obsession with cosmetics. I know that between the polio vaccine and NARS Orgasm blush, most historians would say that the polio vaccine was infinitely more important. That's why historians never have a rosy but subtle glow even under harsh fluorescent lights.
So for the two people that haven't peaced out on this blog entry already, let me give you today's sermon. The topic is mineral makeup. Mineral makeup has become the Vampire Weekend of the cosmetics world. One minute, no one knew about it outside of the few hardcore i.d. BareMinerals devotees (who quite frankly, came off a little too Scientology for me up until recently). Mineral makeup came onto the scene and all the indie hipsters of the make-up world were all, "yeah everyone's talking about that stuff but I tried it back in 2001 when no one was talking about it and I was all 'meh, it's ok i guess' but now you can buy it at Target so it's so Hot Topic." Sorry , don't know if I was still talking about mineral makeup or Vampire Weekend there. This is fun. It's like Mad Libs.
Let me explain why mineral makeup is my polio vaccine. I have extremely oily skin. I was told from a very young age that I could rub my face on a frying pan if I ever ran out of Pam. Because my relatives are subtle and kind with their humor. My oily skin naturally lead to an almost weekly surprise guest appearance by Mr. T-Zone Zit.
Another little known fact about me is that I was raised by the two cheapest tightwad parents on the planet, for whom coupon clipping was an art. They passed their thrifty artisan ways down to me and quite frankly, I get a little cranky if I don't get to clip my Sunday coupons. During one of my crazy, mid-Sunday-afternoon coupon binges I clipped one for the L'Oreal version of mineral foundation. Well, for any L'Oreal mineral product but my parents raised me to always use a coupon like that on the highest dollar-value product.
Little did I know that this tiny little coupon would be my gateway drug into the narcotic world of mineral makeup. From the day I started using mineral foundation, I have not had a zit since. It's been 8 months or so at this point. Now being the natural pessimist that I am, I assumed that the mineral makeup myth was not true and that the sudden clearing of my skin could be attributed to either me finally clearing the final stages of teenhood at the age of 26 or the long-delayed proof of my theory that washing your makeup off at night is too much of a pain in the ass to actually do. [Side note: I should probably stop buying white pillowcases] But a recent experience has caused me to believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that mineral makeup single-handedly cleared my skin. For South by Southwest this year, I decided that loose powders thrown into a travel bag with very little care would probably end in disaster. So I instead brought along my old friend, Fuhrer Liquid Foundation. The result: the first three zits I have had in almost a year all occurred during South by Southwest in the same old stomping grounds they used to call home. Fuck that.
Now I've graduated from the crummy street drug/cocaine cut with baby laxative that is L'Oreal mineral makeup to the hard stuff/pure China White that is i.d. BareMinerals. I can't stop. I have been known to get on my hands and knees on my bathroom floor to try to find the smallest of particles of Mineral Veil when I run out. I might be on the corner with a "Why lie? I need some more mineral foundation" sign pretty soon.
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