Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet Appendix

Back in January, we posted our second annual Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet, a guide to all of the players on the Vancouver Canucks for the recently baptized Canucks fan. It was an excellent introduction to the team for wives of diehard fans, Vancouverites who just noticed that the Canucks are at the top of the NHL standings, and Canadian hockey fans whose teams haven't won a game in the last 5 weeks.

The cheat sheet, unfortunately, is a little out of date. With the plethora of injuries to the Canucks' defensive corps, a number of prospects unexpectedly made their NHL debut. Additionally, the trade deadline brought two new players into the fold. With that in mind, we are introducing the first ever Appendix to the Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet.

:::::::::::::::::::: FORWARDS ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Mario Bliznak

About: Bliznak wears #62 and has been a checking-line center at pretty much every level of hockey. He has the potential to step in as the fourth-line center for the Canucks, though his awareness on the ice will need to drastically increase at the NHL-level. He is currently playing for the Moose.

Nickname(s): Bliznasty, Bliz, Blizzy, B to the Lizzy

My wife thinks he looks like I Am Weasel.

If he touches the puck, the puck is in the defensive zone. He doesn't touch the puck in the offensive zone.

Expect to hear: my wife and I shouting his name in the same tone of voice as Magnitude saying "Pop pop!"

Don't expect to hear: "It's-a me" because that's dumb.

Name: Guillaume Desbiens

About: Desbiens wears #34 and plays right wing. He outperformed numerous competitors for the fourth line out of training camp and played reasonably well for 13 games before injuring himself due to an inability to form a proper fist. He's currently with the Moose and is unlikely to make it back into the lineup this season. He has yet to record his first point in the NHL.

Nickname(s): Property, Props, Gilly

My wife thinks he looks like Zach Galifianakis with a shorter beard.

If he touches the puck, it will touch at least three other people before going in the net.

Expect to hear: "The Canucks need more of his physical brand of play."

Don't expect to hear: "Maybe if we put him with the Sedins..."

Name: Chris Higgins

About: Higgins wears #20 and plays left wing. He was acquired from the Florida Panthers at the trade deadline in another example of Mike Gillis and Dale Tallon being best bros. While currently sidelined with a broken thumb, Higgins is a hard-working, versatile forward expected to put some pressure on Mason Raymond for a spot on the second line. He's also expected to fill the SOB-sized hole at the Roxy.

Nickname(s): Higgs-Boson

My wife thinks he looks like Dale from Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers

If he touches the puck, he will possess it like the puck is Regan MacNeil.

Expect to hear: "Wow, Higgins spends a lot of time in the offensive zone."

Don't expect to hear: "I'm not sure that Higgins is working hard enough."

Name: Cody Hodgson

About: Hodgson wears #39 and plays center. He is the greatest prospect of all time. Everything about him is perfect. Nothing he does is wrong. Everything bad that happens to him is someone else's fault. He's great. Everyone likes him.

Nickname(s):

Silent G, CoHo

My wife thinks he looks like Corey Hart without sunglasses.

If he touches the puck, he will show incredible patience and strength on the puck, drawing comparisons to a young Sedin. Whichever one. Doesn't matter.

Expect to hear: "Oh my goodness, you guys, he is so good. Seriously."

Don't expect to hear: "We should have drafted Kyle Beach."

Name: Maxim Lapierre

About: Lapierre wears #40 and plays center. He was acquired at the trade deadline from the Anaheim Ducks. Although the Canucks were expected to seek out a fourth-line center at the deadline, no one expected it to be Lapierre. He can hit, play on the penalty kill, and make a general nuisance of himself, but he's also been known to take a few penalties. Making a marvelous first impression, he took a penalty on his first ever shift with the Canucks. That said, with the emergence of Burrows and Kesler as top-six forwards, it's nice to have someone else to fill the super-pest role.

Nickname(s): Max, Mad Max, Madder Max, Maddest Max, The Pierre, Lappy

My wife thinks he looks like Roberto Luongo's guido cousin.

If he touches the puck, the ref will blow the whistle for the delayed penalty.

Expect to hear: "I can't believe I used to hate this guy. What a great teammate!"

Don't expect to hear: "We traded Joel Perrault for this guy? We got fleeced!"

Name: Joel Perrault

About: Perrault wore #32 and doesn't play for the Canucks anymore. He was shipped out of town in a trade with the Anaheim Ducks for Maxim Lapierre. It was hoped that he would be the solution for the fourth-line center; it was not to be.

Nickname(s): Gone Daddy Gone

My wife thinks he looks like a genial porcupine.

If he touches the puck, he's in the middle of trying to win a faceoff.

Expect to hear: "Wait, he was on the Canucks? When?"

Don't expect to hear: "I can't believe we traded someone so essential to our playoff hopes."

Name: Rick Rypien

About: Rypien wears #37 and plays center. He is the closest thing the Canucks have to a dedicated enforcer. Unfortunately, he's severely undersized for the role. For comparison, George Parros is 6 inches taller and 30 pounds heavier than the pint-sized punchmaster. He does have the benefit, however, of having a Canadian Gold Gloves champion boxer for a father and it shows in his fighting style, as Rypien is equally adept at punching with both fists and is one of the few fighters who will actively block incoming punches like a boxer. Rypien is currently away from the team for personal reasons.

Nickname(s): Rypper, Ryp, Punchy McPuncherson

My wife thinks he looks like Boone Carlyle.

If he touches the puck, he'll either dump it into the corner or pull off a surprisingly sweet spin-o-rama. There is no in-between.

Expect to hear: "What's he doing?! That guy's a foot taller than he is!"

Don't expect to hear: "That was a clear-cut loss in that fight."

Name: Sergei Shirokov

About: Shirokov wears #25 and plays right wing. He is the only Russian in the Canucks system with any real chance of actually playing in the NHL. This led to a series of silly comparisons to Pavel Bure when Shirokov first showed up at training camp last season. Since Shirokov can actually be seen when he is skating at top speed, the comparisons are completely baseless. Shirokov currently leads the Manitoba Moose in scoring, causing many people who have never heard of Jason Krog to freak out that he's not already playing for the Canucks.

Nickname(s): Shirok, The Shark

My wife thinks he looks like a male Patsy Cline.

If he touches the puck, he will be shocked at how quickly a defender closed in on him.

Expect to hear: "Shirokov is a shifty little guy; look at how good he is at finding the open ice."

Don't expect to hear: "I Fall To Pieces"

:::::::::::::::::::: DEFENSEMEN ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Evan Oberg

About: Oberg wore #64 and plays for a different team. He was traded to the Florida Panthers to acquire Chris Higgins after Oberg took a nosedive down the depth chart from last season. He was 13th on the defensive depth chart and was swapped for a legitimate NHL player. Given the decimation of the Panthers at the deadline, he might be able to find a place in the lineup sooner rather than later. He's a fantastic puck carrier, but has significant issues with his defensive positioning.

Nickname(s): Mr. Samir Naga...Naga...Naga...Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.

My wife thinks he looks like Cory Monteith.

If he touches the puck, it'll be the only time he doesn't look out of place in the NHL.

Expect to hear: crickets.

Don't expect to hear: "Chris Tanev is just another Evan Oberg."

Name: Ryan Parent

About: Parent wears #20 and plays defense. He joined the team at the beginning of the season and has played a grand total of 4 games for the Canucks. Once a highly touted prospect, Parent has not panned out at the NHL level. He is now with the Moose and is unlikely to join the Canucks this season as he will need to clear waivers to do so.

Nickname(s): That One Guy

My wife thinks he looks like: Who the hell is that?

If he touches the puck, the puck is in the AHL.

Expect to hear: Go Moose go! Go Moose go!

Don't expect to hear: the Canucks called up Ryan Parent and this matters to me.

Name: Yann Sauvé

About: Sauvé wears #47 and plays defense. He evolves so much that he ought to be a Pokémon. Right now he's a land mammal with the Manitoba Moose.

Nickname(s): Ianto Jones, Yanni, Rico

My wife thinks he looks like James Franco while hosting the Academy Awards.

If he touches the puck, he'll make the safe play. Moms are completely comfortable with their daughters going out on dates with him, he's so safe.

Expect to hear: "Wait, you mean I can't make this suave joke I've been saving up?"

Don't expect to hear: "Yo Yann, I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Jan Bulis was the greatest Yan of all time. Of all time!"

Name: Lee Sweatt

About: Sweatt wears #57 and plays defense. He has been favorably compared to Brian Rafalski. Like Rafalski, Sweatt is undersized for a defenceman and was forced to start his professional career in Europe. Also like Rafalski, he won the Pekka Rautakallio trophy for best defenceman in the Finnish SM-Liiga. Sweatt scored the game winning goal on his first shot in his first NHL game against the Nashville Predators. He was sidelined with a broken foot just before he got sent down to the Manitoba Moose. His brother, Bill Sweatt is also a prospect for the Canucks.

Nickname(s): The Little Fire Hydrant, Rudy, Ryan Brafalski

My wife thinks he looks like: Sean Astin in Rudy

If he touches the puck, then the Canucks have too many injured defensemen again.

Expect to hear: "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy..."

Don't expect to hear: "It's nice to finally have a defenseman with some size."

Your Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet, 2010-11 Season

Raymond = Fast

Last year, we introduced the inaugural Canucks Bandwagon cheat sheet to give aid to the less informed, less involved fan who wanted to feel a part of the Canucks' playoff run. Unfortunately, two weeks later, the Canucks were eliminated by the Blackhawks, and the cheat sheet was forgotten.

It's eight months later, however, and the Canucks are once again the talk of the town. They've vaulted to the top of the NHL standings; Bodog thinks they're the odds-on favourite to win the Stanley Cup; the buzz is palpable. Its fair-weather for fans, which often means an onslaught of fairweather fans. But if you're going to be a Canucks fan, the last thing you want is to be smoked out as a bandwagoner. Diehard fans don't take kindly to conditional ones.

So how do you pass for a lifer? You need to know your team. And that's where PITB comes in. This year's Bandwagon Canucks Fan Cheat Sheet--a geyser of valuable information--will tell you everything you need to know about the Vancouver Canucks roster.

:::::::::::::::::::: FORWARDS ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Alex Bolduc

About: Bolduc wears #49 and plays center. He is continually cast as the Canucks' fourth-line center, but he only seems to get in a handful of games before he's injured. We know very little about him, because we aren't the Canucks' medical staff.

Nickname(s): Duker

My wife thinks he looks like: Howard Moon, jazz maverick.

If he touches the puck, he's not likely to make a crisp pass to a winger. Even on a 2-on-1, he has admitted to having no idea where his linemates are.

Expect to hear: "I'm not sure about Bolduc. I don't like the way his shoulder explodes when he takes a faceoff."

Don't expect to hear: "No one has vision like Bolduc."

Name: Alexandre Burrows

About: Burrows wears #14 and plays right wing on the Canucks' top line. He's a former ball hockey champion. He's often a triggerman for the Sedins. They say he goes to the dirty areas; this can be taken multiple ways. He spends a lot of time in front of the net, but he also might spear an opponent in the groin, and there are few areas dirtier than the groin.

Nickname(s): Burr, Frack, The Wayne Gretzky of Ball Hockey

My wife thinks he looks like: The Muppet Show's Sam Eagle. It's the eyebrows.

If he touches the puck, he's about a millisecond away from taking a crosscheck to the back. I suspect he's just really fun to crosscheck. His primary job on the top line is to get crosschecked by everyone while Henrik and Daniel score. He's catnip.

Expect to hear: "Win da turd!" "That's a slewfoot!" "Ha ha, Burrows doesn't speak any language well."

Don't expect to hear: "Burrows is such a fluid skater it's a wonder he ever falls down."

Name: Tanner Glass

About: Glass wears #15 and plays wing, mostly. He also plays Scrabble. He's been known to fight a bear or two. He loves tootsie rolls. He went to Dartmouth. Goals are an unexpected bonus with Glass; he's a gritty, defensive forward known for his responsible play.

Nickname(s): The Scrabble Champ, Timothy Treadwell

My wife thinks he looks like: If Gerard Butler and Luke Wilson somehow had a baby.

If he touches the puck, you're about to witness a textbook dump and chase.

Expect to hear: "Glass is the cornerstone of our fourth-line."

Don't expect to hear: "That Glass is loaded with offensive upside."

Name: Jannik Hansen

About: Hansen wears #36 and plays wing. He's a speedy, versatile forward who has spent time on every Canucks' line this season. He seems most at home in the bottom six, where he isn't relied on to score and his standout defensive and forechecking abilities can shine.

Nickname(s): The Great Dane, Beaker

My wife thinks he looks like: Beaker.

If he touches the puck, it's a poke check. You could pass it to him and he'd still find a way to poke check it.

Expect to hear: "Hansen is the far and away the best forechecker on the team."

Don't expect to hear: "I really like the rich baritone of Jannik Hansen's speaking voice."

Name: Ryan Kesler

About: Kesler wears #17 and plays center. He's in the midst of a breakout season. He takes hockey very seriously. He's rumoured to have an adamantium skeleton.

Nickname(s): Kes, Frick, Bull

My wife thinks he looks like: The late Jeff Buckley.

If he touches the puck, someone, somewhere will argue he deserves the Hart trophy.

Expect to hear: "Kesler is the heart and soul of this team."

Don't expect to hear: "Kesler is the heart and soul of this improv team."

Name: Manny Malhotra

About: Malhotra wears #27 and plays center on the Canucks' third line. He's one of the best faceoff men in the league. His skills as a shutdown center have earned Selke consideration this season.

Nickname(s): The Manimal, Alternate Captain Mal

My wife thinks he looks like: Stanley Tucci.

If he touches the puck, hope it's on a faceoff. He knows what to do there. Hope it's not on an odd-man rush. He's a little less clear in that situation.

Expect to hear: "Another faceoff win by Malhotra. The guy's a machine."

Don't expect to hear: "I don't see how this guy's an upgrade on Kyle Wellwood."

Name: Mason Raymond

About: Raymond wears #21 and plays wing on the Canucks' second line. He's terribly fast. When he's on his game he's a major scoring threat. When he's not, he's the skinny guy from NES Ice Hockey, infuriatingly circling the zone. He's a tad bland, and chillingly inconspicuous. Sometimes, he simply is not there.

Nickname(s): MayRay, Lame-O Raymo, Bambi, Dimples, Zippy McLowpercentageshot

My wife thinks he looks like: An adorable baby.

If he touches the puck, he'll probably take it wide and circle the zone.

Expect to hear: "Raymond needs to go to the dirty areas."

Don't expect to hear: "If I were him, I'd stay to the perimeter, where it's safer."

Name: Mikael Samuelsson

About: Samuelsson wears #26 and plays wing. He shoots the puck a lot. He speaks his mind. He's the lone Canuck regular to have won a Stanley Cup. Like many Swedes, he plays in direct opposition to conventional hockey wisdom, and somehow, it works for him. Swedish players are the bumblebees of ice hockey.

Nickname(s): Sammy, Mikael McShooterson, The Logo Hunter

My wife thinks he looks like: The Swedish Chef.

If he touches the puck: The crest of the opposing goaltender's jersey will likely get the next touch.

Expect to hear: "What a strange time to shoot."

Don't expect to hear: "I've heard Sweden is quite fond of Samuelsson."

Name: Daniel Sedin

About: Daniel wears #22 and plays wing. He's kind of amazing. He's the twin brother of Henrik Sedin. He's driven by competitive rage. He once spent a month working for Santa.

Nickname(s): Danny, Dank, Brother Daniel, Assistant Captain Hook, Pinky, Kang.

My wife thinks he looks like: Henrik Sedin.

If he touches the puck: Brace yourself for wizardry. Or one pass too many, depending on whether or not the puck can get through the maze of skates.

Expect to hear: "Wizardous Sedinerie!"

Don't expect to hear: "If only he'd made one more pass."

Name: Henrik Sedin

About: Henrik wears #33 and plays center. He's the reigning Art Ross and Hart trophy winner and captain of the Vancouver Canucks. He currently leads the league in assists. He is always one step ahead of his brother. For instance: it looks like he'll be the first one to go bald.

Nickname(s): Hank, Captain Hook, The Brain, Kodos

My wife thinks he looks like: Daniel Sedin. It's uncanny.

If he touches the puck, expect a no-look backpass. Even if he's on a breakaway.

Expect to hear: "What a pass by Henrik!"

Don't expect to hear: "Henrik's playing like crap. That's his fourth assist on the night, but they're all second assists."

Name: Jeff Tambellini

About: Tambellini wears #10 and plays wing. He's the son of Edmonton Oilers general manager Steve Tambellini. He's a small, lightning-fast and versatile forward who has defied the odds and earned a spot in the lineup. He's listed at 5'10", a generous exaggeration, much like Ke$ha being sold in "music" stores.

Nickname(s): Tamby

My wife thinks he looks like: Former Canuck Ryan Johnson.

If he touches the puck, hope he's in his Magic Shooty Spot. He's money from there.

Expect to hear: "Can you believe the Islanders couldn't find ice time for this guy?"

Don't expect to hear: "He's so fast and small, he's difficult to follow on the ice. What if we put a microchip in him, so he would glow?"

Name: Raffi Torres

About: Torres wears #13 and plays wing. He has a fondness for bone-crunching hits. Torres has three modes. 1) skateskateskateskate 2) get puck and 3) put puck. He often doesn't put much consideration into his methods, though get puck usually involves sub-mode ram.

Nickname(s): Raffi Torrid, the Eyebrowless Ginger. But really, his given name is Raffi. Why bother with silly nicknames?

My wife thinks he looks like: Bubba the Caveduck. Also, confusion personified.

If he touches the puck, hope it's a tip in front. He's good at that. Hope it isn't while carrying the puck across the blue line. Nobody breaks up an odd-man rush like Torres.

Expect to hear: "Torres is a human bowling ball."

Don't expect to hear: "I think Torres is overthinking things."

Name: Aaron Volpatti

About: Volpatti wears #54 and plays wing. He's a fourth-line guy who plays with an edge and hits everything in sight. He's incredibly sneaky. Like Tanner Glass, he's an Ivy Leaguer; he did four years at Brown University. Just like Brown is Dartmouth-lite (at least when comparing basic science facilities, y'all), Volpatti is Tanner Glass-lite.

Nickname(s): Peppermint, the Volpaddy Wagon

My wife thinks he looks like: Jake Ryan, from Sixteen Candles.

If he touches the puck, you're probably at an open practice, watching a drill. That doesn't happen during games.

Expect to hear: "Big hit by Volpatti!"

Don't expect to hear: "Volpatti scores!"

:::::::::::::::::::: DEFENSEMEN ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Andrew Alberts

About: Alberts wears #41. He's a 6'5" defenseman that loves to take the body. After a rough start in Vancouver, he worked on his game in the offseason and did well to make the team out of training camp. He's a solid bottom-pairing guy that will make a forward think twice about putting his head down.

Nickname(s): Andy Alby, AHLberts, NHLberts, A Minor, Barabbas

My wife thinks he looks like: Dennis Duffy, ex-boyfriend of 30 Rock's Liz Lemon and the last pager salesman in New York.

If he touches the puck, pray it's a brief touch. If this touch last longer than two seconds, he's on his ass and the opponent just got the puck back.

Expect to hear: "What a hit by Alberts!"

Don't expect to hear: "That Alberts has wheels."

Name: Keith Ballard

About: Ballard wears #4. The Canucks acquired him this offseason by trading away a first-round pick, which is a bigger deal now that the Canucks seem to know what to do with first-round picks. Ballard makes over four million a season, which is scandalous, considering he's the 5th defenseman. Ballard loves to skate the puck out of the zone. The only thing he loves more is pranks. He's a noted prankster, who once hilariously climbed into Kevin Bieksa's hockey bag. He also once hilariously bludgeoned his goaltender with his stick.

Nickname(s): Hips, Pranky, Power Ballard

My wife thinks he looks like: Snatch's Mickey O'Neil.

If he touches the puck, hope he doesn't make a mistake with it, or Vigneault will make him sit on his hands for the rest of the game.

Expect to hear: "What a hip check."

Don't expect to hear: "I'm comfortable paying $4.2 million for fifteen minutes of Keith Ballard."

Name: Kevin Bieksa

About: Bieksa wears #3. He's the most divisive defenseman Vancouver has had in some time. At his best, he could fit comfortably into any team's top four. At his worst, he does the double slide. Still, after fully recovering from two freak skate cuts that really set back his game, Bieksa's playing his best hockey, and once-skeptical fans are beginning to fall back in love.

Nickname(s): Juice, Boom Boom Bieksa

My wife thinks he looks like: Kevin Bieksa's brother.

If he touches the puck: He probably just pinched along the boards to keep the puck in. Nobody pinches as frequently as Kevin Bieksa. He's the grandma of the NHL.

Expect to hear: "Trade Bieksa! No wait, keep Bieksa!"

Don't expect to hear: "I never doubted this guy for a second."

Name: Alex Edler

About: Edler wears #23 and just might be the Canucks' number one defenseman. He's certainly the most well-rounded, capable of jumping into the rush, quarterbacking a power play, and playing a physical game. Like most Swedes, Edler hardly emotes, but consider that he has a reputation as an unemotional guy in a dressing room full of Swedes. In short, he's a cold, callous monster.

Nickname(s): Iceman, Robot, Dexter Morgan, Eddie

My wife thinks he looks like: Nick Carter.

If he touches the puck, hope he cranks it. He's got the hardest slap shot on the team.

Expect to hear: "Edler has remarkable versatility."

Don't expect to hear: "Edler has remarkable versatility as a dramatic actor."

Name: Christian Ehrhoff

About: Ehrhoff wears #5 and is one half of the Canucks' most offense-oriented defensive pairing, with Alex Edler. Ehrhoff is faster and less physical of the two, and loves to jump into the rush.

Nickname(s): Error, Hoffer, Blastoff, The Hoff

My wife thinks he looks like: John Robinson of Gus Van Sant's Elephant.

If he touches the puck, he has interpreted this touch as an open invitation to join the rush. He's gone.

Expect to hear: "Ehrhoff's caught up ice."

Don't expect to hear: "Nobody develops better hockey players than Germany."

Name: Dan Hamhuis

About: Hamhuis wears #2 and is one half of the Canucks' shutdown defensive pairing, with Kevin Bieksa. Hamhuis is a stay-at-home type who makes smart plays, has a good stick, and moves the puck out of the zone quickly. He's a strait-laced guy who does things quietly and admirably, both on and off the ice. He's noted for his Christianity and charity work.

Nickname(s): The Hammer, Hammy

My wife thinks he looks like: He's got a bit of a Mark Ruffalo thing going on.

If he touches the puck, he'll make a crisp pass out of the zone and you probably won't even notice.

Expect to hear: "Did you hear Hamhuis took less to play here? Only 4.5 million, what a guy."

Don't expect to hear: "I think Hamhuis really needs to step up his community efforts and renounce Satan."

Name: Aaron Rome

About: Rome wears #29 and is typically the seventh defenseman on the Canucks' depth chart. He's not really good at anything, but he also doesn't make a lot of mistakes. He's a solid depth guy.

Nickname(s): Aaron "Aaron Rome" Rome

My wife thinks he looks like: Launchpad McQuack.

If he touches the puck, he'll make the safe play. Rome is so conservative he doesn't school opponents--he homeschools opponents.

Expect to hear: "Aaron Rome banks the puck off the boards."

Don't expect to hear: "I thought Aaron Rome was really noticeable tonight."

Name: Sami Salo

About: Salo wears #6 and is the longest-serving member of the Canucks' blueline corps. He's a walking calamity, more prone to mysterious disaster than ships passing through the Bermuda Triangle. He's the Canucks' best defenseman when healthy, but "when healthy" is a fancy way to say "never."

Nickname(s): Casper, Sami Solo, Salpa, Mr. Glass, Hurty McOuchie

My wife thinks he looks like: The ghost of Boo Radley.

If he touches the puck, every tendon in his body just ruptured a little.

Expect to hear: "For goodness' sake, Salo, stay out of the corner!"

Don't expect to hear: "Don't worry. Jason Botchford just tweeted that Salo's okay."

Name: Chris Tanev

About: Tanev is a call-up from the Canucks' AHL affiliate, the Manitoba Moose. Only two years ago, he was playing for the Markham Waxers of the OJHL (sidenote: not OJ Simpson's hockey league). Tanev went from there to the Rochester Institute of Technology. He's the first guy to make the NHL out of their program, which is a little like making the NHL after four years at the Emily Carr Institute.

Nickname(s): Who?

My wife thinks he looks like: Battlestar Galactica's Chief Tyrol.

If he touches the puck, it's a learning opportunity for everyone.

Expect to hear: "Who is Chris Tanev? Is he Russian?"

Don't expect to hear: "I know a lot about Chris Tanev."

:::::::::::::::::::: GOALTENDERS ::::::::::::::::::::

Name: Roberto Luongo

About: Luongo wears #1, and is, appropriately, Canucks' number one goaltender. He used to be the captain, but he didn't really like it. Now he just stops pucks. He's pretty good at it. Don't listen to the people who tell you he isn't.

Nickname(s): Funny Bob, Louie, Bobby Lou,

My wife thinks he looks like: Sacha Baron Cohen.

If he touches the puck, you're supposed to yell "Looooooo!", no matter the context.

Expect to hear: He's overpaid! He's overrated! He didn't come out for his first star salute! Luongo kicks puppies!"

Don't expect to hear: "Luongo's salary is none of my business and I know nothing about the goaltending position, anyway."

Name: Cory Schneider

About: Schneider wears #35. He's the backup goaltender. Schneider has slowly worked his way up to the NHL by way of college and the AHL. He now appears ready for a full-time starting job. He won't get it in Vancouver, so he's really auditioning for a role somewhere else.

Nickname(s): Ginger Jesus, Schneids, Frecklesnoot

My wife thinks he looks like: Patrick Renna, star of The Big Green.

If he touches the puck, he just made a routine save, so brace yourself for a goaltending controversy.

Expect to hear: "Cory Schneider would have made that save. And he did. Because he's in goal tonight."

Don't expect to hear: "I miss Dany Sabourin."

Is a Canuck missing from this cheat sheet? Check the Canucks Bandwagon Fan Cheat Sheet Appendix.