Raffi Torres, Human Bowling Ball: Photoshop Gallery 3

As you may know, PITB is making the California road trip this year, but we'd hate to leave you with nothing new to peruse in our absence. With that in mind, we'd like to welcome to round three of the Raffi Torres bowling ball photoshop gallery.

If you're new to this series, I recommend starting at the beginning. If you're not new, then I'm sure you'd rather not have to listen to me rambling on about this and that when you could be mad gawking the radness of these awesome 'shops. So let's get down to business. After the jump, the many uses of BallTor will astound you:

Raffi Torres, Human Bowling Ball: Photoshop Gallery 2

Welcome once again to the Raffi Torres BallTor photoshop gallery. If you're new to this, I recommend starting either with the original photo, or with the first photoshop gallery, posted yesterday. Otherwise, let's just dive headfirst into the awesome:


I think this image is real. I hardly have to suspend my disbelief at all. If Raffi were in plainclothes, I'd swear up and down this was taken by Jeff Vinnick in Calgary. BoggyDepot, you are awesome.

Ill Bill Necro gives us Raffi, the human wrecking ball. Unfortunately, this building was a mom & pop shop forced to close by mean landlord Mr. Snively. It's a sad story, really.

This had better be a PSA for how not to go down a waterslide, because otherwise, Raffi's doing it all wrong. Sirwilliam with the image.

I like Raffi's desperate attempt to avoid looking directly into Darcy Hordichuk's nipple. This one's another gem from egatti, who also did today's header image.

In this visual metaphor, Raffi Torres represents small government. The patriotically named canadian hockey style brings the politics.

Here's MrWiggles with a solid effort. What a dig by number seven.

Something about that ball doesn't look right. I think Tiger Woods is cheating, but what else is new? Zing. This one's by MikeyD.

Ill Bill Necro gives us Raffi, the human cheese wheel. As a ginger, Raffi's definitely got the colouring to be cheese.

BoggyDepot gives us the first BallTor image in which he's right-side up. I like how concerned Raffi appears to be. I also like how he's ducking, in case another flaming bag of excrement falls from the sky.

Kudos to BoggyDepot again. I saw this movie when I was younger, and I don't remember Raffi Torres being in it. But I could be wrong.

Here's another MikeyD image. It's amazing to me how Raffi's wide open mouth can go from excitement to horror, depending on the situation pictured. Here, he's clearly terrified, and rightly so. No good can come of this.

Egatti earns PITB's "Too soon" award for this creative animated GIF. If you're offended by this image, ignore it for now, then come back in three months or so and you'll find it hilarious.

Here's something just as topical and much less offensive, again from egatti. Raffi makes a good Tron battle disc. By the way, thank goodness he plays on the same team as Sami Salo, because this is actually a simulation of what would happen if they ever collided.

GALLERY 1 - - - - - - - - - - GALLERY 2

I Find This Photo Odd: Raffi Torres is Literally a Bowling Ball

Raffi Torres has been called a human bowling ball on many occasions. It was only a matter of time before we saw his true form. As the photo above indisputably proves, it turns out he literally is a bowling ball. Additionally, the photos below were just sent to us, and they show that Raffi actually leads quite an interesting life in his true bowling ball form.

Raffi Torres is Goofy-Looking and I Love Him

Raffi Torres is quickly worming his way into my heart as one of my favorite Canucks this season. His heart-worming ability is partly due to absolutely heart-warming pictures like this one of Torres with his daughter (seriously, that's adorable), but mainly because he is an extremely goofy-looking guy. I find it incredibly difficult to resist liking goofy-looking guys. It's one of the reasons Kyle Wellwood and Jan Bulis are PitB favorites.

Raffi Torres continues that tradition in a big way. Witness the headshots of the Canucks' third line as recently posted on the Kurtenblog:

As Sesame Street taught us, one of these things is not like the others. Torres looks like he just saw a ghost and it's in the process of eating all his Apple Jacks. He's surprised and morose all at the same time. But it's not really his fault: his eyes perpetually look like they're trying to escape from his head, as if he had a literal brainfart¹ and they can't stand the smell. This gives Torres a certain wide-eyed craziness at all times (though this wide-eyedness doesn't seem to help his vision on the ice).

Couple that overall goofiness with a penchant for goal-scoring and the occasional massive hit that seems to break the laws of physics and he's well on his way to filling the oddball-shaped hole in my heart that has been empty since Kyle Wellwood went to Russia. Don't worry, Kyle, you can settle down in one of my lungs: like Jello, there's always room for Wellwood.

After the jump, a brief celebration of Raffi's goofiness, which I love. Don't ever change, Raffi, don't ever change.

I Watched This Game: Canucks at Avalanche, November 04, 2010

Canucks 3 - 1 Avalanche

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say last night's game was the Canucks' most complete effort of the season. The first period alone was perhaps the best road period the Canucks have played in quite some time, as they dictated the play, kept the pressure on while they rolled their lines, opened the scoring (above), won a fight, generated numerous chances, and limited the pressure in their own zone. Concerns about letdowns in the second and third period prove to be unfounded as well, as the Canucks kept up their high level of play--with only the occasional gaffe--all game long. It was highly entertaining, and I am proud to say that I watched this game.

• It was quite nice to see Ryan Kesler find his sweet spot on the power play and net the opening goal. He was the best player on the ice tonight, and it's not often you can say about about the Kesler who travels. His woes on the road are as storied as Wile E. Coyote's. Has he turned a corner? Hopefully. I hypothesize that, if he has, it's because he has a blanket he takes with him everywhere, and it makes every bed feel like his bed. That's always worked for me. That and having my Mom there to tuck me in, no matter where I am. Tousle my hair, Mom. Ha ha, delightful.
  
  
• Considering the proficiency of the Canucks' special teams this season, I'm working on keeping my mouth shut about the removal of Kesler from the second unit. It's a lot easier to do when he scores on the first unit, and the second unit scores later without him. Apart from small lulls, Canucks' special teams have been excellent this season. The Henrik Sedin goal was a prime example. That was some grade-A puck movement. Also grade-A? The paper I'm currently writing on the similarities between the Marxist and Thomist dismissals of justice as a primary virtue and their Aristotelian influence. I am so smart.
  
  
• It's funny, because I thought Henrik and Daniel had a pretty quiet game. When the 60 minutes was over, however, Henrik had the game-winner and Daniel had two assists. His pass to Kesler for the first goal was spectacular.
  
  
• Raffi Torres continues to be a masterful tipper. He's tippier than a game of Jenga played in a canoe. He had four shots tonight, and looks to be brimming with confidence. Seven goals in 12 games will do that to you.
  
  
• I know all three Canucks goals were scored on the powerplay, but, again, we got one goal from each of our top three lines. That is excellent, balanced production.
  
  
• Mason Raymond was incredible tonight. 5 shots, and a ton of quality chances. He didn't score, but he looked fantastic, like going clubbing in an argyle sweater vest.
  
  
• Somebody needs to tell Andrew Alberts that, while the Canucks might have confidence in him carrying the puck up ice, other teams don't. Tonight, just like in the last game, he was the perpetrator of a brutal turnover in the defensive zone that could have been avoided if he'd moved the puck up-ice quickly. Instead, he flaunted his newly spawned self-confidence and held onto it. The Avs got a prime scoring chance. Yes, you're big, so you're quite difficult to knock off the puck, but you're also pretty easy to hit, because you're big. Andrew: move the puck faster.
  
  
• That said, my favorite part of that broken play was when Garrett tried to blame it on Kevin Bieksa. Don't try to ingratiate yourself to me, John Garrett. Anyway, Kevin Bieksa was good tonight. At times I found myself liking his game. I am suddenly aware that this is happening with an alarming frequency. I'm concerned he might be good. What is happening to me?
  
  
• Alex Edler continues to be a rock on defense, but I expect his game to really flourish when Dan Hamhuis comes back. Edler should be able to join the rush a little more and show a little more creativity when he knows Hamhuis is behind him. Christian Ehrhoff is not Dan Hamhuis. Sometimes, watching his and Edler's confusion over who will jump into the rush is akin to watching two guys try to go through a door at the same time.
  
  
• Guillaume Desbiens broke his hand in a fight, and I have two thoughts. My first thought: this happens a lot. Don't you think guys would realize that punching a helmet as hard as you can is a good way to break your hand? I feel like it's obvious. Anyway, my second thought regarding Desbiens' broken hand: meh.
  
  
• Mikael Samuelsson is still drifting through games like some kind of zombie. (Okay, that's an overstatement, but I wanted to link to my favourite Christian rock song ever.) Anyway, he's having trouble finding a rhythm. My advice: relax, Sammy. Eventually, the rhythm is gonna get you.
  
  
• And finally, Cory Schneider is going to be so easy to trade. He was fantastic tonight. 33 saves, one goal allowed. He made it look easy, but this game was anything but. The Avalanche can create offense, and while they may not have had a ton of quality scoring chances, they had some excellent shots from good scoring areas. Schneider was one step ahead of them all night, getting square, taking away the net, and swallowing up the puck. There is still no goaltending controversy. The Canucks simply have two delicious options, like going to a Tim Horton's that is also a Wendy's.
  

A Closer Look at Raffi Torres

Turns out he looks almost exactly like Steve Bernier. Don't see it yet? Read on.

My first thought when I heard this morning that the Canucks had signed Raffi Torres was, “Ugh, I hate Raffi Torres.” My second thought was, “Wait, maybe that’s a good thing.” The reason I hate Raffi Torres is because he’s a pain in the ass to play against. He hits hard, sets up camp in front of goalies, and agitates in a similar vein to Kesler and Burrows, all of which made me want to slap his stupid goatee off his face.

But now that he’s a Canuck, the fact that he hits hard, sets up camp in front of goalies, and agitates makes me want to like him. This is a hard thing to admit, because he spent several seasons as an Oiler, and I don’t like the Oilers. Fortunately, he spent the intervening time with the Blue Jackets and Sabres, two teams I don’t care about in the slightest, so that gives me some nice distance with which I can attempt to be objective. Still, the fact that he got signed on the same day that Willie Mitchell got signed by the Kings makes it feel like we lost Mitchell for Torres, like some sort of trade. Let’s face it, I love Willie Mitchell and hate Raffi Torres and it’s going to take some time to get over that. That said, let’s look at what Raffi Torres actually brings to the ice.

I have to admit that I haven’t seen Torres play enough to make any sort of judgment call on his abilities; instead, I have to go to the numbers. The first one that jumps out is the fact that he went from a $2.25 million cap hit last season to a $1 million contract this season. That’s a pretty significant drop, but it needs to be kept in mind that he was coming off two full 82 game seasons for the Oilers, in which he scored 41 and 34 points respectively when he signed that contract. The Oilers were hoping he could return to the 27 goals he scored in 2005-06. Instead, he suffered a major injury, missed most of the season, and was traded to Columbus.

With the Blue Jackets, he returned to form, scoring 20 points in 51 games in another injury-shortened season. He followed that up with 19 goals and 31 points in 60 games last season with Columbus, which was enough to garner interest at the trade deadline from the Sabres. In his 14 regular season games with them, he managed a measly 5 assists and ended up in the press-box after 4 post-season games; to quote Darcy Regier, "It didn't work." While he only missed a smattering of games in 2009-10, his injury history over the last three seasons combined with his disappointing post-trade deadline play for the Sabres sunk his chances of a big money contract, which is good news for the cap-strapped Canucks.

That about covers his offensive contributions: he’s scored at 0.42 points per game over his career, pretty consistently from season to season. While he may not be consistent game-to-game (he’s been slammed for being a streaky player everywhere he’s played it seems), that kind of tertiary scoring seems to be exactly what the Canucks need. As long as his shooting percentage doesn’t dive-bomb like it did from 2006-2008, he should be able to score close to 20 goals again. But what about the intangibles, such as physicality, defensive responsibility, douchiness, and special teams?

Click to Embiggen. Stats from NHL.com and BehindtheNet.ca.

When it comes to physical play, Torres is known for his grit, ability on the forecheck, and occasional massive hits of questionable cleanliness. He’s averaged 1.36 hits per game over the past 5 seasons, which is more than Burrows and Kesler managed last year, but well under Bernier, Hordichuk, and Glass. Glass, in particular, averaged 2.46 hits per game, a far cry from the league leaders, but still respectable (also notice Andrew Alberts at #13 on that list, 5th amongst defencemen; I wouldn’t write him off to make the Canucks lineup, especially with Mitchell gone). In any case, Torres does bring a physical edge to his game, but one that occasionally crosses the line. That said, only 34 PIM last season? That’s pretty good; while it makes me question his agitating abilities (surely he’d get more coincidental minors), it also makes me question the assertions that he takes stupid penalties.

Is he defensively responsible? Not especially. He’s definitely not a penalty killer, with a total of 14:41 of shorthanded time over the last five seasons (yes, total). His traditional +/- was -11 last season and -22 over the last five seasons. Last season, his +/- per 60 minutes was -0.51 goals per 60 minutes, which isn’t good at all; while he was on the bench, his team’s +/- per 60 minutes improved to -0.34 goals per 60 minutes. Simply put, his team gave up more goals than it scored when he was on the ice as compared to when he was on the bench. He started in the offensive zone 3rd most often among Columbus forwards, so his poor +/- can’t be attributed to that. His Quality of Competition was also not a factor, as he faced some of the weakest competition of anyone on either the Blue Jackets or the Sabres; clearly, he was not used in a checking role.

This makes me exceedingly nervous to see him line up on the third line alongside Manny Malhotra in a checking role, even though I would expect the Kesler/Raymond line to face the highest quality of competition among Canucks forwards once again. In all honesty, I’d be more comfortable with Torres as a fourth-line banger and crasher with some spot powerplay duty, where he’s experienced some success. He’s seen a regular powerplay shift over the last five seasons and scored 7 powerplay goals last season. If necessary, in case of injuries, he could slot into the second line. Essentially, he would take over the exact role Steve Bernier had last season at half the price.

In fact, Steve Bernier is near-perfect as a comparable player to Torres. Like Bernier, Torres was a first round pick who never panned out as a top-line forward. Bernier has averaged 0.45 points per game, quite similar to the 0.42 points per game of Torres. They both have a similar goals per game average as well, 0.22 for Bernier, 0.23 for Torres. Prior to joining the Canucks, Bernier was also traded to the Sabres. Okay, this is starting to get weird.

The two are about the same weight, though Bernier has two inches on Torres. And, like Torres, Bernier has had his own injury troubles, missing a large part of last season with a groin injury. However, there are some differences: Bernier hits far more than Torres, with 608 hits over his last five seasons in the NHL compared to 438 in the same time period for Torres. Torres is 4 years older and significantly less French than Bernier. The other big difference: Bernier is making $2 million this season. Again, Torres is half the price of Bernier for similar value.

So, with thoughts of Bernier and his various disappointments in a Canuck uniform in my head, I’m not ready to like Raffi Torres just yet. I like the signing – it’s only for one year and it’s only for $1 million – but I’m not sure I like the player.

Canucks Add Redhead, Sign Raffi Torres

If you're just waking up, the signing of depth forward and former Canuck nemesis Raffi Torres broke last night on Dan Murphy's Twitter, no doubt intentionally, by Dan Murphy himself. The reactions to this signing were mixed. Some people loved it. Some people hated it. Some people want to be happy, but come on, Raffi Torres looks like such a douche. Some people named Harrison were excited because it was Canucks news and wanted to give it more thought but his wife decided that right then at the moment the news broke was as good a time as any to have a very serious talk about how much time I spend during the offseason trolling for Canucks news. Not cool, wife.

How am I feeling this morning? Tired, because that argument got way out of hand and the prospect of going to bed drifted further and further into the night. But also? Pretty happy about this signing.

Let's talk about Raffi, and let's agree right here and right now that Raffi the children's singer is too obvious a connection to make. We at Pass it to Bulis strive for a higher level of pop culture referencing, which is why, off the top of my head, I'm more inclinced to bring up Hakob Malik Hakobian, the Armenian author whose pen name is Raffi, and whose seminal work, The Fool, is an inspiration to patriotic freedom fighters from Tavush to Syunik. Or to reference the ironically named Raffi Armenian, who is not the Armenian Raffi I just referenced, but rather a French-Canadian conductor-composer and member of the order of Canada with no connection to his aforementioned namesake.

Okay, who am I kidding? As far as anybody's concerned, there's only one Raffi, and I guess, if I'm being honest, you can't fight the pop sensibility of If I Were a Gorilla.

Now let's talk about the hockey player. Raffi Torres is only six feet tall, but I've learned over the last two seasons to look less at height and more at weight. Keep in mind that Ryan Kesler and Alex Ovechkin are the same height. It's just that Kes is 195 lbs and Ovie is 220. Or consider that Mason Raymond and Raffi Torres are the same height, but Raymond is 180 lbs. and Torres, like Ovechkin, is 220. Don't get your hopes up, Canucks fans, as that's the only connection between the hockey of Raffi and the hockey of Ovechkin, but what you should be optimistic about is that Torres adds some girth to the forward corps. Torres is an energetic winger who likes to crash and bang and be a pest. He's tough to move from out in front of the net. And he's skilled. He's averaged about twenty goals a season for his career.

In fact, the only reason that Raffi Torres is coming to us for the meager cost (in NHL money) of 1 million is because of his post-deadline suckitude with the Buffalo Sabres. In sixty games with Columbus, Torres got 19 goals. That's very good. But, in 14 post-deadline games with Buffalo, he was unable to bump that number to an even twenty. That's very bad. But, if anything, it's an argument for trade deadline acquisitions needing more time to gel with their team, or perhaps that not every acquisition is a perfect fit. Torres simply didn't fit in Buffalo. He had a bad stretch, which he tends to have every now and then, but while he's known as a streaky scorer, his career stats indicate a noticeable level of consistency. He deserved better than this cheap, short contract, but his misfortune is our gain.

On top of this, Torres is built for the Western Conference, and perhaps more specifically the Northwest division. Canucks fans might remember him as Public Ginger Enemy #1, that redheaded Oilers forward who lit us up on a number of occasions. He never played better than at the Canucks, scoring timely/untimely goals and doing his trademark goal celebration (he pumps his fist, and shouts "F**kin' rights!"). Torres was so predictable against Vancouver that even my wife grew to hate him, his stupid red hair, his big hits, and that insufferable fist pump. It's hard to like him: he looks like such a douche.

What's bad about this signing? Not much. If we had gotten Torres for 2 million, there was a possibility that he could underwhelm and wind up overpaid and on the fourth line. (We call this the Steve Bernier conundrum). His time in Buffalo is definitely a little concerning, but if he's not scoring goals, he can still be a serviceable bottom-liner; he's better than Tanner Glass. Reports are conflicting about Torres's personality, too. I've heard that he's great in the room, but I've also observed that he's kind of a douche (he looks like such a douche), so that's a wash. Gillis tends to get good room guys, mind you. He's probably quite a jovial fellow. In truth, there isn't much downside anybody can find to this, other than that he isn't a better player (the gist of Canucks.com forum naysayers' arguments), but that's like being given an HBC gift card and complaining you can't use it at Sears. Suck it up, whiner--you'll get what you need out of it.

Torres will be a good player for Vancouver. He adds grit and veteran presence, playoff experience (he went to a final, remember?) and most importantly, top-nineness to a team that needed more of that. I have to think this spells the end of Bieksa's time in Vancouver, but, come on, we all knew that was coming anyway, Raffi or not. He'll be good with Manny Malhotra, and the overall size of the two of them makes it likely okay if a smaller guy is plugged in on that wing (or at center). With Burrows out to start the reason, we'll probably see two young kids filling out the top nine, which might not be ideal, but consider now that, in every case they'll likely be skating with two vets (The Sedins, Raymond & Kes, ManRaf). That's good for everybody.

From my extremely biased perspective, this is a good deal. In fact, Torres is a better player than Asham, who I've been skeptical about since he impressed as an energy guy with Philadelphia last year. Maybe I'm missing something, but I see low-risk, and potentially, high-reward. Nothing but good, except that I have to look at him, and he looks like... well, you get the idea... such a douche.

Skeeter? Qris? Anybody? Anything to add?