So now I have more than three months to become a more well-rounded individual in this off-season before I revert back to drinking beer, cursing at the Fox football robot and spending a few hours a day thinking of new creative ways to make fun of Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. I have tried to get into baseball but old demons prevent me from enjoying it. Also the Rangers blow real hard.
I am trying to support the Stars because:
a) they aren't losing
b) Pantera
c) my previously mentioned theory that Razor Reaugh really looks like Morrissey
BUT, here's my deal. I can't see the puck. I see a lot of guys skating and sometimes when I see them all skate in one direction and clump up around the net, I assume a goal-like thing is happening. Apparently, all that national health care has given Canadians amazing hawk-like eyesight. Either that or Dr. Tylock really IS the most skilled lasik surgeon in the world! Either way, hockey is like soccer on ice with everyone wearing their older, bigger brother's hand me down clothes and pads. But, as I have mentioned often on this blog, I do love parade. Go Stars!
So I am exploring some of the following options:
1. Cars - I like the idea of being a girl who knows a little something about cars. Unfortunately, I am not. I always think that people might be fooled into thinking that when I do things like refill my wiper fluid or check my oil level. But I am secretly staring at the dipstick like a, oh jeebus why not, dipstick. I have no idea what sort of Rorschach test fluid level I am supposed to be seeing. But I really like the show Top Gear (Dear Thor/God/Buddah/8-Armed SuperDeity: all I ask for is 30 minutes alone with James May. Amen) and it makes me think that maybe I could one day understand what brake horsepower means. Only problem: turns out I am a totally stereotypical girl who likes the way things look and drive and have absolutely no interest in learning about how much fuel per second the crank thingy sends to the jiggy-lever. So I will continue to look at cars and make superficial proclamations about them. Let me know if you need help with that washer fluid refilling. I got ya covered.
2. New Music - New music is, in general, very bad or boring or overrated or played by people who annoy me to look at. The only teeny bit of excitement I can muster up is about the new Mudcrutch album. So if under the age of 55, please don't ask me what new stuff I'm listening to. I will probably claim to have just spotted Tony Randall and run away while you are distracted.
3. Catching Up On TV shows That My Friends Always Recommend - Here's the problem:
Lost: Too confusing. Too convoluted. Got in way too late in the game. Don't care if the island is real or if it's all a dream or if it's all a metaphor for something big and awesome and life-changing. When they start inventing comically impossible things out of thatched palm leaves and coconuts like Gilligan so they can do something equally asinine such as put on a talent show in the hopes of attracting a passing ship or plane, I will start watching Lost.
Dexter: So I'm supposed to be torn up because I am technically rooting for a killer because he kills only bad people who "deserve" it? I guess I am supposed to assume that Dexter's ability to judge another person's guilt is better than that of the Dallas District Attorney's office? I'm just saying. Also, if I were Dexter and I were ridding the world of people that deserve it I'm heading straight for the entire cast of The Hills. The fact that they have not already been "dealt with" means that I cannot fully suspend disbelief and buy that the guy is truly trying to rid the world of bad people.
The Wire: Too lazy to actually borrow it from Danny even after his repeated offers and me promising him to commit to watching the first season. Will wait until they come out with a Wire-themed Big Buck Hunter machine.
So basically, I have very little to fill my time and occupy my restless mind until Cowboys training camp starts. God willing, some band I know will play another show in a horrible backwater town or I will get some sort of intriguing skin disease about which I can blog in great detail for weeks at a time. Wish me luck!
No comments:
Post a Comment