Forest Hills Northern/Eastern vs. East Kentwood

Friday night's big matchup in the OK-1 did not disappoint, unless you were looking for a blowout. Forest Hills outshot EK by about a 3-1 margin, but the Falcons kept it close thanks to some adventurous, Hasek-like goaltending by Zach Bresko. Forest Hills' Sam Swardenski looked like an MVP out there. A powerplay goal wins it for FHN/E, which celebrates its first win in Tier 1 play. The boxscore

EGR vs. Grandville

Friday night hockey at Patterson was rocking. Good crowd, loud music and a furious third period. Grandville prevailed 3-1 with an empty netter at the buzzer. Chalk up a hat trick for Grandville's Andy Grypma.

Diablos vs. Ice Gators

Although it seems better suited for an old AWA Rasslin' match, we're back at the Coliseum Saturday night! 8:45 pm, 12/1.


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An open letter to NFL Network

Hello NFL Network. I sure do hope you can actually read this blog. I have my doubts which stem from your obvious lack of technical knowledge and ability. When you were counting down to the big game last night, you seemed to have been baffled by the concept of "focusing" a "camera" on the "players" on the "field." Speaking of camera work in the pre-game show, let me recommend my ear, nose and throat doctor. He's great and he's super cute too. I say this because I worry that at least two of your cameramen have severe inner ear infections that cause them to wobble unsteadily while holding a camera. Some antibiotics should clear that (and any other lingering "issues") up quickly and help out with your cameramen's ability to stand upright and hold a camera steady.

Now, another thing I noticed during the pre-game show is that a lot of the time the people that were on camera and supposed to be talking were blissfully unaware they were on camera at any given moment. As much as I love seeing Deion Sanders looking up through the hole in the roof of Texas Stadium or seeing him catch up with buddies on the sidelines, maybe instead of that you should give him a cue and he can look into the camera and offer some pre-game commentary. It's an idea.

So then the game started. After the first field goal the Cowboys made, you decided to show us the drive using some very unique graphics. If I recall correctly, there was a golden arch that showed us completed passes. Then an odd red and black nod to Communism sort of graphic that may or may not have indicated yards gained by running. But then you knocked it out of the park with your illustration of the field goal. There was an orange streak that showed the trajectory of the football on the kick. But if that's not overt enough, you added the classy touch of giant yellow flashing letters that took up the entire end zone reading "FIELD GOAL" as if you were trying to teach the viewers the names of the most basic elements of football. Which strikes me as odd because presumably anyone willing to pay or watch something called the NFL Network probably can probably identify a field goal when they see one.

Now, I will admit that we started off awkwardly last year. Last year's Cowboys v. Falcons game featured some neat commentary by the disembodied and sickly head of Carol Channing. Oh sorry, that was actually just a miserably hoarse Dick Vermeil. So hoarse that half of his words were indecipherable and every moment that he spoke was torturous for both him and everyone forced to listen to him. You guys finally pulled him off the broadcast near halftime. Which left us with Greg Gumbel. You know Greg Gumbel, he's the guy who last night repeatedly referred to the Cowboys quarterback as Rick Romo.

But since Jerry Jones tells me that the NFL Network is the Little Network that Could (choooo chooo!) I was totally ready to be your #1 fan. Was last night a dress rehearsal? I feel like you sent out invitations to a fancy dinner party and cooked an elaborate meal to impress the boss to try to get that promotion (Time Warner and Comcast). But then when the boss showed up, you had a Crock Pot with scorched bean and cheese dip sitting on a card table and a few mismatched plastic plates. And you forgot to put on pants.

I see that the Cowboys v. Panthers game on December 22 will also be on your network. I can only imagine the tricks you've got up your sleeve for us on that one. Perhaps have Deion Sanders wear a panther-in-the-jungle themed dashiki? He will probably appreciate it if you decide to shoot him from behind and slightly below while he's talking again. I just hope you take a refresher course on the basic tenets of covering a live sporting event between now and then. Just think of it this way....

Your boss is almost here. Are you wearing pants?

Hockey Night(s) in West Michigan

Lots of great games over the next few nights, including some marquee matchups in the OK Tier 1, showcase games for two of the top local programs, and a huge rivalry game in Kalamazoo on Monday night. Should be packed houses at several games, including these ones to watch:East Kentwood vs. Forest Hills Northern/Eastern (tonight, 7 p.m. @ Kentwood) - A big early-season game for two of the OK-1's

The Prodigal Coach Returns

High school hockey coaches don't retire, they just move on to other schools -- and then occasionally return to play their former teams. Former West Catholic coach Joey Gallant, who also ran Patterson rink and worked for the Griffins Youth Foundation, returns to West Michigan this weekend as the head hockey coach of Bishop Foley High School, a Catholic school in Madison Heights. Gallant took

City League Hockey

The Grand Rapids City League is almost a century old, but its days are numbered. Next season, the City League will disband and its teams will enter the Ottawa Kent (OK) Conference. The CL's five hockey teams will no doubt end up spread across the OK's three tiers, and probably won't play each other regularly in the future.With that in mind, I decided to run over to Griff's tonight to see the

Midweek Doldrums

For those of you who like tight white pants.

GR Press Rankings

The Grand Rapids Press just published it's first "Prep Rankings" for local hockey teams. Some interesting choices to say the least, especially picking Grandville as #3 in the GR area because, "New coach Shawn Zimmerman did wonders at Mona Shores."Not sure how the new coaching staff at Grandville plans to channel Coach Zimmerman's success. While Zim did interview for the Grandville head coaching

Turophobia

I am often told that my list of my most-hated foods is bizarre. I disagree. Judge for yourself.

I despise the following foods:

ice cream (tastes like cold milk)

pasta (tastes like flour and play-dough that has been boiled)

chocolate (tastes literally like dirt)

olives (tastes like salty and vinegary eyeballs)

mushrooms (tastes like the fungus they are)

mayonnaise (tastes like bad eggs and vinegar that have sat in my car for the summer)

chicken wings (tastes like bony things covered in some weird red sauce)

cookies (tastes like sugary, floury crumble discs)

cakes (tastes like baked sugar goo covered in an outer layer of sugary goo)

pie (tastes like hot sugar goo baked inside hard dough prison cell)

sour cream (tastes like milk for people that think that whole milk is too watered down and weak)


BUT more than all of these things combined, I despise cheese. I stop just shy of calling it turophobia but it's awfully close. The sight of cheese makes me nervous and the smell of cheese sends me running in the opposite direction. Central Market is forever in my bad graces for building a section of the store devoted entirely to what is essentially milk that has gone bad and should have been thrown out long ago.

Which is why I am nervous about tonight's game. I am nervous that despite Green Bay's miserable running game, Brett Favre has a good arm still. And I am afraid of the bombs he may lob down the field. But more than that, I am afraid I will see assholes in the crowd with their cheese heads on.

Imagine you ate some really bad seafood salad and never want to speak of seafood salad again. Then imagine that the Seattle Seahawks decide that their fans should now be called "Seafood Salad Stars" and all you see during Cowboys v. Seahawks games is shots of humans wearing hats made to look like piles of seafood salad.

Prediction: Cowboys 31, Green Bay 28

Prediction #2: If I am wrong and Green Bay wins, the Green Bay defensive line will grab a Gatorade cooler and douse Brett Favre in queso. And I will cry. For two reasons.

Head Case

Though he wasn't challenged much in the first two periods of his game Wednesday night, goalie Zac Smith (a/k/a "Fuzzy") of Kenowa Hills did stand out on the ice thanks to his cool, Gerry Cheevers-inspired helmet. Smith is pictured above, but you can also learn more about his headgear at this link.

Wednesday Night Hockey

Nothing like some Wednesday night hockey to break up the week. Took in a few periods at a couple of games tonight. Saw the first two periods of Kenowa Hills vs. Jenison out at Walker. KH moves the puck well and plays hard in front of the net. Left late in the second period with Kenowa up 4-0 and the shots were 23-2 in their favor. The final ended up 6-3. Check out this story in the

Gazette Profiles SWMHSHL Hockey

The Kalamazoo Gazette posted a High School Hockey Scouting Report on the MLive.com website today. The link to the file is here. The Gazette also included a feature story on Portage Central's senior scoring machine Jared Hook, who lead the SWMHSHL in scoring last year.

EK vs. Rockford

The Advance paper offers this nice write-up of the Kentwood-Rockford game in the Thanksgiving Tournament.

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Someone Needs a Touch of Slayer.

I'm not saying who.

Statewide HS Hockey Coverage

The two main hockey publications in the state do offer early-season previews in their current editions. You can download a PDF of Michigan Hockey Online's 2007 High School Preview here. Plus, you can also read High School Hockey Weekly's preview of D-1 teams here. Please be sure to pick up copies at the local rink or, better yet, subscribe to them.

MLIVE Moves to Winter Sports

The folks at MLIVE.com made the switchover from "fall sports" to "winter sports" on the high school section of its website today. As a result, you can find some coverage of local high school hockey news on the Grand Rapids Press section, though there is nothing so far from the Muskegon Chronicle or Kalamazoo Gazette.

Going from Bad to Worse

I can't catch a break.

Duke Fires Ted Roof After 1-11 Season.

Nice name, loser.

Don't Worry Mr. Cheney, We Are Paging Your Cardiologist, Dr. Bob Dylan

Come You masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks

You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain

You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud

You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins

How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul

And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand o'er your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead

Getting Started

I've heard several people say the local media don't give high school hockey its due in West Michigan. That's a shame because the players, parents, coaches and fans of the game are among the most devoted (some would say "rabid") of all sports. Seriously, how else would explain people that are willing to start practice in August and finish the season in March? Or take those January road trips

You Have Got to Be Kidding Volume 29853215654

(Image Courtesy of Perez Hilton's sister's tax attorney)

Big congrats go out to Tony Romo who is blowing my mind. Not with his skill on the field but with his fame-whorish ways. You made Perez Hilton today, Tones! You know, that's the website where anyone that can put a pencil between their teeth to type the words "FIRST BITCHES!" can have their say. You join the ranks of the only other pro football players (Tom Brady for paternity oops and Sean Taylor for getting shot) who have warranted coverage on Perez Hilton! This must be a proud day for you as a professional athlete. I can't wait until you flash your vagina at Brett Favre after the game on Thursday! God, who knew football was so STAR-LICIOUS! I may have to get cable so I can see your episode of Cribs. Because I, like so many other liquor promo girls in Mesquite, would just LOVE to see where the magic happens!

I really am trying to like you. I am trying so hard. Deep down, I think I do like you. Just how you like your older brother who keeps dating strippers with lots of kids because you think that maybe one day he will find one that doesn't steal his Social Security number and wreck his car. And also, I think part of me believes that you are smart enough to be orchestrating some sort of next-level social experiment from which you will teach us all about the frivolity star-worship and the levels of shame some will sink to in order to lay a hand on a modicum of fame even if it is for only a fleeting moment. If that is indeed the case, please let me offer up a preemptive and hearty "FIRST BITCHES! LOL! OMG! ROTFLMAO!"

YOU Go Live in Utah's University Challenge

Time to lay off Tony Romo for a bit and throw some questions out there. Any feedback is appreciated.



#1. Who will beat the Patriots?

They will not go 16-0. They came within a field goal of overtime and a touchdown of shame and humiliation. At the hands of a Donovan McNabb-less Philadelphia Eagles. Their number is about to be called. Will it be the Steelers? Will the wishes of a million virgin unicorns come true when the Dolphins suddenly learn how to play football and crush the Patriots? Actually, I don't care about the regular season. I lay in bed at night dreaming of the Patriots being knocked out in the first round of the playoffs by a wild card team. You know, where the best team in the entire league gets knocked out in the first round. I mean, maybe in football because there's always the chance that the playoff game is a fluke. But that's just in football. Any other sport with series playoffs negate any chance of a shitty team beating a Goliath team. Hold on, the 2006-2007 Golden State Warriors are IM'ing me.



#2. What's with the Mavericks and the 4th quarter?

Dear Mavericks, please realize that games are not won in the first three quarters nor are they desperately eeked out in the final minutes of the fourth quarter. You have lost two in a row and the two you won before those were by the skin of your teeth. San Antonio is off to the best start in franchise history. We hate them. Our hatred for their entire franchise and existence keeps us alive. I know I said that I wasn't concerned with the losses in the regular season, within reason, but something seems to have upset your momentum. Is Jason Terry's headband too tight? Does Avery have laryngitis? Is Mark Cuban giving the speech at halftime? You know that every time Stackhouse sings the National Anthem, the Mavs win. Just saying.

#3. How do you get a delay of game in the midst of kicking a pivotal field goal?

I've heard of rookie mistakes. But sweet baby Jesus, that's amateur. Hey, at least it gave the 49'ers a win. I let my grandmother win a game of Scrabble on Thanksgiving too. She never needs to know that "Euugh" is not actually an acceptable Scrabble word.

#4. How do I make the internet come to my house and haunt my laptop?

This has been a nagging problem for me. You see, if I had internet access at home this blog would be so frequently updated that you would never have to think for yourself ever again. One problem. No internet at my place. Now, I have long had the desire to remedy this problem. Here's where the whole thing goes pear-shaped:

- I refuse to have a land line phone. Just like I refuse to have polio. We collectively, as a society, have gotten past that. I don't care if you bundle it with every crappy service your company offers and throw in whatever you have in the prize closet. I am not buying what you are selling.

- My neighbors may or may not be involved in the mass production of methamphetamines. Therefore knocking on their door and asking them if they mind sharing their wireless password with me in a tremendous show of neighborly holiday love is not an option. Besides, the smell of ammonia makes me sick.

- Cable: see land line phone. I may eventually move into the realm of satellite television because Jerry Jones told me to. But for now, I have a 14" television made by a company called PROformance that was manufactured in 1984. Getting cable or satellite for me is the equivalent of the owner of a 1998 Dodge Neon investing in rims. And a security system. And car insurance for that matter.

- A wireless card through a mobile carrier is really expensive.

I feel like there is some Skull and Bones society that I must gain entrance into to learn the secrets of wireless internet providers. If anyone would like to meet me outside the Freemason's building downtown this afternoon, I will give you any harvestable organs I have that you may require in return for any help you can offer in my search for the internet. Thanks.

Diablos 0 - Ak Bars 3

Diablos Shut Out to Ak Bars; Earth Still Maintaining Rotational Axis

ST. PAUL, MN. 11/25/07. The Diablo Hockey Club was shut out against a good Ak Bar defense and goaltending tandem Sunday night at the State Fair Coliseum. While the Diablos could never get it going offensively, they gave up a goal each period and lost their second game of the relatively young season. Incidentally, the Earth is still rotating at an astounding 67,000 miles per hour and has yet to show no signs of pulling away from its orbit around the Sun.

The Diablo's deficient offense was illustrated on the stat sheet in the shots column. The 'blos only managed 18 shots and while soft spoken Ak Bar netminder Trey Cain was able to turn them all away to earn the shutout, he left a few juicy rebounds in front of the net that the Diablos forwards were unable to convert.

Justin Alderink stood firm in the Diablo crease turning away 40 of the 43 Ak Bar shots, but just as the Diablo forwards left rebounds dangling, the Diablos were unable to clear on their end. The Ak Bars were able to score all three of their goals by crashing and creating near the net. Tjelmenland had two goals and an assist, while Anderson potted one and had a pair of helpers.

Despite the undesirable effort put forth by the Diablos, the ever dependable Earth never wavered from its undeviating rotation. Not only that, but the abnormal performance of the Diablos couldn't even budge the angle of the Earth's tilt from its 23 degrees and 26 minutes. Although minutes after the loss it seemed as if the Earth was certainly going to be hurdling uncontrollably through space, civilization will continue, which means the Diablos will play their next game against the Ice Gators next Saturday at the Coliseum. Rocco will arrive around 8:37 and the first puck drops at 8:45. Official AHA Scoresheet. - TR

Los Diablos vs. Ak Bars

Blasingame, Blasingame, hands of... ? Whatever. Get a name that rhymes.

Diablos vs. Ak Bars

November 25. 6:00 pm. State Fair Coliseum.


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Happy Thanksgiving from the Diablos!

I'm thankful that the Minnesota Wild occasionally play better than they did last night. Frickin' Pinky.

Official Diablo Position - Vancouver Sucks

It is the official position of the Diablos Hockey Club that the Vancouver Canucks, their players, their arena - GM Place, Matt Cooke, Mattias Ohlund, the Pinky and the Brain Twins, Todd Bertuzzi, Alain Vigneault and this goon Mike Brown, brought up to be a Boogey punching bag, suck. Big Time. Especially Matt Cooke. He's a pussy.

Brandon Bass = Good / Andre Gurode = AMAZING

Saturday night's Mavs game vs. Memphis may have been the final proof I needed to see of Brandon Bass' worth. I like him. And my Pau Gasol crush may be starting to fade away mostly because the look on his face when the ball is stripped from him could easily be compared to the look on Corey Haim's face when someone asks him what projects he's got coming up. I also don't like the feeling I get when Dirk misses four free throws. I'm pretty sure he gets a similar feeling. File the Memphis game under: a win is a win.

Andre Gurode is my new personal hero. Why? Wikipedia defines a center's duties as:

On most plays, the center will snap the ball directly into the quarterback's hands. In a shotgun formation, the center snaps the ball to the quarterback lined up several yards behind him. In punt and field goal formations, the center also snaps the ball several yards behind him to the punter or holder on the field goal unit. Because bad snaps can ruin special teams plays and cause turnovers, some teams have a center who is specifically trained for snapping the ball in punt and field goal formations.

Meaning that outside of some blocking, the center's JOB is to get the ball into the quarterback's hands. Now, sometimes on punts and field goals it's understandable that maybe a center is not adept at doing especially long snaps. So that's no biggie, we'll have a guy who does those special situation snaps and we'll call him a "long snapper" and everything will be wonderful.

But Andre Gurode was not content with that. For he so loves specialization that he has re-invented himself as a base-formation-only center. No shotgun formations for him. Too hard. If your name is Tony Romo and you would like the ball to arrive in your hands, you need to forget about any of your fancy schmancy special formations. I've got the base formation snap. That's it. He's like the guy who only knows how to play "The Entertainer" on piano. So play "The Entertainer" he does.

Guy at Party: "Hey, do you know any Beatles songs?"

Andre Gurode: "Nope man, I know 'The Entertainer'" [plays "The Entertainer"]

Other Guy at Party: "What about "Chopsticks?"

Andre Gurode: "Let's see, is that the one that goes like this?" [plays "The Entertainer"]

Third Guy at Party: "Why is the Cowboys center at our party? Why is he playing the piano? Isn't he the guy that really sucks at snapping?"

And Tony Romo.......

You handled those zany snaps with remarkable dexterity and agility. Good job. For the next week, I will try my hardest to overcome my Pavlovian instinct to associate your name immediately with the smell of Axe body spray. From now on (barring any further unfortunate Ghostbar sightings), when I hear the name "Tony Romo" I will think of you sitting at a card table playing quarters with your buddies under the warming glow of a black light TAKE ME TO YOUR DEALER poster. Trust me, it's just better this way. Shhhhhhhhh, no words.

Diablos Sink The Buccaneers

New Hope, MN. 11-17-07. The Diablos hockey team returned to the ice tonight looking to rebound from a horrible outing last week in their loss to the Nemesis. The Diablos were hoping that the Buccaneers, still looking for their first win of the 07-08 season, would allow them to get back on track. The Diablos picked up the win, and temporary claim the top spot in the D1 Western Division, with what proved to be a hard fought 4-2 win. Backstopped once again by able sub goalie Don Snyder, but missing regular forwards Rocco Bonello and Captain Todd Ewing, defensemen Ryan Carroll, Andy Claypool, and John Driscoll, and goalie Justin Alderink, the Diablos called on their other regulars and their trusty subs Dave Christenson, Larry Eckman, and Dean Groth to fill in and step up. The patchwork lineup and hard work proved to be just enough against a Buccaneers team that refused to roll over.

The first period started slow for the Diablos with no passing and inconsistent play in the defensive end. The Buccaneers tried to take advantage, but seemed as out of sink as the Diablos. The period ended with zeros across the board, no goals, no penalties, and almost no scoring chances for either team.

The second period started out better for the Diablos when defenseman, turned winger, turned defenseman Mike Monroe followed his acting captain's advice (finally) and put the puck on net with a hard shot from the blue line. C Ted Reiff pounced on the rebound and slammed home his third goal of the year at 14:53 for a Diablos lead. At 00:17 of the period LW John Blasingame was leveled at center ice by a trip by an overzealous Buccaneer leading to the first power play of the game.

The third period proved to be the pivotal one for both teams as the game came alive. The Diablos opened on the power play but were unable to score with the man advantage. However at 15:11, six seconds after the power play expired and before the Buccaneers could regroup, the Diablos struck. D Mike Monroe blasted another shot on net that went just wide, LW John Blasingame gathered the puck behind the net and made a nice pass to C Steve Nelson out front who slammed it home for his third of the year. The Buccaneers refused to give up and answered back with an unassisted goal of their own 50 seconds later at 14:39.

Play continued back and forth until LW Jarick Losey was hooked while trying to gather in a puck at center ice at 12:52 and the Diablos went on the power play for the second time. Like the first round the Diablos failed to get set up until the very end of the power play. D Mike Monroe did it again setting up Losey's game winner, a hard shot from the slot that banked off what seemed like the entire Buccaneers team before sneaking past the goalie for his second of the year at 10:50, two seconds after the power play expired. RW Dean Groth picked up his second of the year at 08:33 after taking a nice outlet pass from D Mat Lindquist, streaking in alone and firing a laser into the far corner. The Diablos had a third power play at 08:02 on a Buccaneers hooking call but failed to convert.

The score was 4-1 and the Diablos were apparently in control, but the Buccaneers refused to go away. They kept up the pressure until at 01:45 they snuck a second one behind goalie Don Snyder. At 01:28 D Greg Smith was called for tripping when a Buccaneer player stepped on his stick and went down. The Buccaneers pulled their goalie and went on a 6 on 4 power play with earnest. The Diablos were greatly aided on the penalty kill when one of the Buccaneers players broke the blade completely off his skate and went down in a heap. The Buccaneers buzzed around the Diablos goal but were unable to take advantage and the game ended with a Diablos 4-2 win. Shots on goal for the Diablos were 10-9-9 for 28; for the Buccaneers were 5-5-10 for 20. Goalie Don Snyder improved his Diablos record to 2-0-0 with a 1.50 GAA and a 0.930 save percentage - good for #5 overall in the league!

Stars of the game:

#1 D Mike Monroe (0g, 3a, 1 pipe)
#2 LW Jarick Losey (1g, 0a)
#3 Kloster - Buccaneers (2g, 0a)

Up next - At home against the Ak Bars at the State Fair Coliseum on Sunday 11-25-07 at 6:00p. Official AHA Scoresheet. - JB

Inspiration Hits.

Fire up against the Bucs.



Also, congratulations to Ron Francis who along with Scott Stevens, Al MacInnis, and Mark Messier, was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday.

Dear Tony Romo - Are you at all familiar with the jokes about New Money?

Jesus Christ! Tony Romo, why do you have to keep this doing this shit? I defend you and you give me this back in return:

STAY CLASSY, PONY BOY!

Taking your new sports groupie lady friend to the Ghostbar? Wow. Wow. I'm trying, Tony. I'm trying so hard to buy into the Tony Romo is Just an Awwww Shucks Kind of Regular Guy With a Good Sense of Humor thing. I think you say funny things. While I don't personally find you that cute, I appreciate your scrubbed-with-oatmeal-and-apple-pie All-American look. I even sympathize with your tendency to drop salsa down the front of your shirt while gorging on the couch. By the way, I've found that hoisting yourself up from a completely horizontal position lowers the possibility of a salsa oooops by like 70%.

But for the love of all things fuzzy, please stop playing into every stereotype of what a vapid jock does when money and fame come his way. What next? Maybe start betting on games? Ooooooooh, everyone LOVES a good DUI. You've probably already put in the order for the sweet custom Hummer (no, not that kind though with the way you're going....) with the bangin' system on which you can listen to all your favorite Journey hits. It may be too late. You may already be too far down the path of least resistance. That makes me sad.

I will give you that with Matt Leinart and Tom Brady both bailing on pregnant girlfriends for models or mildly retarded socialites, the bar is pretty low. But when you are making Tom Brady look kind of smart and classy, it's time to put down the Absolut Pear-tini and find the quietest corner of the Ghostbar and have a little think. Look out into the sea of ochre-colored sharks and cougars that surround you. Decide if this is really the kind of dude you are. It's not too late to get out. Just be careful to not slip in any of those puddles of hair gel, glitter bronzer, melted silicon or fame-hungry desperation on your way out. I get that you're still kind of new to Dallas and everything. If you really don't know of anywhere else to go other than Ghostbar, let me offer some alternative choices. Maybe try The Old Monk, The Idle Rich, Dubliner, Doublewide, Vickery Park, the newly opened Capital Pub. They're nice places that don't have a heavy glaze of shame and baby oil coating the entire bar and its' patrons.

I miss Steve Nash more every day.

PS - After writing this and going back to google to do an image search for "Ghostbar Dallas", one of the first ten results is a picture of you, Tony Romo. You are now the poster child for the Ghostbar. Jebus! I give up. Have fun. Do a shot of Patron off a dead hooker's ass for me, buddy.

Alright, alright already. The Mavs have warmed my heart like someone who puts human hearts in microwaves. Before this season started, a friend of mine said that he was going to try to watch only the bigger Mavs games. This is a guy whose love of the Mavericks knows no bounds so fair-weather fan he is not. He said that it was more about not getting caught up in the WE MUST WIN EVERY GAME OF THE REGULAR SEASON trap, as I and most Mavs fans certainly did last season.

But beating the Spurs has changed my mind. Beating the Spurs is amazing. If the feeling of beating the Spurs could be obtained through using an illicit substance, I would be in rehab right alongside popular drive-time sports talk DJs and Marie Osmond's son. Every Mavs starting player contributed with Devin Harris, Jason Terry, Josh Howard and Dirk all taking turns with breakout quarters respectively. And Tony Parker's Le Spurs dug themselves into the deepest Black Périgord truffle hole of failure they have in recent memory.

It's a new NBA season but Manu Ginobli still makes the "time-ah to make-ah da pizzah!" face with alarming regularity.

I know everyone will go:

"It's too early to get excited!" - Jean-Jacques Taylor

or

"Really? Radio? Really? I sure would like to be back on the television. I wonder what Brad and Mark are talking about right now?" - Bob Ortegel

But I am excited. I like beating the Spurs. I know it's just an ego thing. But I'm not a Poindexter who carries around stat charts and a graphing calculator. I like seeing Tim Duncan lose. I guess I am a bad sport.

Meh.

Diablos vs. Buc's

Nov 11. 9:00 pm. We're away.

Inspirational video to come later (when inspiration comes).


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HEEEEEEY, AMANDA IS LAZY!!!!!!!

The nadir of my blogging "career" is probably gonna occur today because all I am going to do is post links to stuff that other people have written that is far more interesting than anything I have to say.

In local news, Jonanna Widner has been fired from her job as Music Editor of the Dallas Observer. She Dick mourns the loss.

Also a gas tanker truck has exploded on 35 somewhere north of Lewisville effectively cutting off the main trade and traffic route between Denton and Dallas.

Hey want to read the most fucked up story you will read all year?

(By the way, the parents who created the Myspace profile and basically drove a teenage girl to kill herself have been outed. Feel free to discuss the merits of vigilantism.........now)

Alright if you can get over your disgust with the entire human race after reading that, I'll lighten the mood with

Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

With comedy writers on strike and everything, has anyone thought of calling up Phil Jackson?

If there is justice in the universe, I will grow up to be exactly like this magnificent creature

Remember when Dave Mustaine cried in Some Kind of Monster? Well, now he wants you to buy his coffee. Don't make Dave Mustaine cry. Again.

This article is titled "How Do You Have Sex with a Bicycle?" to which I respond, "Get it drunk or ride it through a GHB puddle....maybe?"

I know this is old but it's so funny that it makes me clap and do the same faces Ozzy does in the video

Practice with Renegades Tonight

Breck Arena. 9:30 to 11:00. Wear your Reds.

Blogging about Bloggers and Blogging in Today's Blog-centric World

I made the FrontBurner Blogroll today. Many thanks to Sam M. for the nod. It also provided me with a much-needed gentle nudge to blog more often. There's some funny that's been languishing in my head and no matter how much I drink, it still desperately tries to float to the surface and unleash itself upon the internets.

Those of you with jacuzzi tubs (and DEAR GOD, I WISH I WAS ONE OF YOUR BRETHREN) may have noticed something odd going on with the water supply in Dallas. It's crimson and appears to actually be the blood of one million virgins. Well, you're correct. You may have heard that the Dallas Mavericks recently beat the Golden State Warriors in a basketball game. I have to qualify that it was a basketball game since I was pretty sure the only way I would ever get to type the phrase "the Mavericks beat Golden State" would be when the entire Mavs starting lineup finally snapped and charged at Golden State with crowbars in a last ditch Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding-like attempt to cripple their foes.

But bearing in mind that the Mavericks have managed to beat Golden State, we must contend with the sad (for some) fact that said victory almost certainly means that the apocalypse is near and the world will be ending before we can all get 10 stamps on our Quizno's Sub Club card.

Let me illustrate my point:

The First Seal - Religious Deception and Persecution



CHECK!

The Second Seal - War


DONE!

The Third Seal - Famine


IT'S THE FAREWELL TOUR, FOLKS. IF YOU DON'T BUY THESE AND EAT THESE, MCDONALD'S WILL NOT EVER MAKE ONE FOR YOU EVER AGAIN.

The Fourth Seal - Pestilence


LOOKING AT THIS BILL AND IMAGINING WHAT THIS SHOW WOULD SOUND LIKE AND WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WOULD BE AT THIS SHOW IS AKIN TO ME IMAGINING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE MY BODY SLOWLY, OVER THE COURSE OF A FEW DAYS, PRESSED INTO A McRIB AND EATEN BY SLOBBERING RENAISSANCE FAIR WORKERS.

The Fifth Seal - Tribulation and Martyrdom


I REALLY CAN'T BEGIN TO EXPLAIN THE CHERRY PIT SITUATION (AKA "GROSS PEOPLE NEED GROUP SEX TOO") BUT IF YOU ARE REPRESENTING A SEXY SWINGERS CLUB AND YOU ARE THE OWNER AND YOU GO TO CITY HALL TO FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BANG FAT WOMEN WITH TWEETY BIRD TATOOS ON THEIR CANKLES, PLEASE BE "CAMERA READY". TRY TO AVOID HAVING OPEN, OOZING SORES ON YOUR FACE. MAYBE LEAVE YOUR MORBIDLY OBESE WIFE BACK AT THE PUSSY PIT (NOT KIDDING, IT EXISTS). OR MAYBE TELL HER TO TRY TO PUT ON A SHIRT THAT DOESN'T HAVE A HUGE MR. PIBB STAIN DOWN THE FRONT. I AM ALL FOR THEIR RIGHT TO HAVE SWINGING GROUP SWINGER FUN. BUT THE SIGHT OF THOSE TWO COMBINED WITH THE IDEA OF THE HUNGRY-MAN-ONE-POUNDER-COUNTRY-FRIED-STEAK-DINNER-FUELED ORGY THEY HAD ON THE CALENDAR MAKES ME WANT TO HANG UP MY GIRL PARTS AND CALL IT A DAY.

The Seventh Seal

FEEL FREE TO TAKE YOUR PICK:









special thanks to dailybiblestudies.com for providing me a list of the seven signs of the apocalypse. i was raised episcopal therefore i have no idea what's in the bible except for the stuff about babies in baskets and something about living inside a whale. i would hyperlink dailybiblestudies.com but they're pretty sure the world's end is nigh so hit counts is probably the least of their concerns right now.

Diablos Meet Their Nemesis

St. Louis Park, MN. 11-11-07. Off to a hot start, riding a hot goalie and with all lines contributing, the Diablos looked to go 3-0 and continue atop the D1 West Division. Alas, it was not to be as the Diablos met their Nemesis tonight. Sadly, while the other team was solid, the Diablos proved to be their own nemesis.

The Diablos were out of position and off their game all night as they scrambled around their own end and failed to break the puck out. The Nemesis did a good job of always getting to the puck first and keeping play to the outside in their defensive zone. Untimely penalties, a parade of them in the first period and more late in the third, kept the Diablos from putting together any kind of consistent attack. Unfortunately, even in the second period when the Diablos stayed out of the box, consistency was not in the game plan.

The Nemesis put up goals in all three periods, 1 in the first, 1 in the second and 3 in the third and were in control from the opening whistle. The Diablos sole bright spot was a one timer through traffic by defenseman Pieter VanZyl at 4:23 of the third period to break the shutout. RW Mike Monroe got the lone assist. The Diablos will look to put this one behind them as soon as possible and regroup for next week. Shots on goal for the Diablos were 3-5-5 for 13; for the Nemesis were 12-12-9 for 33.

Stars of the game:

#1 Stanger - Nemesis (2g, 0a)
#2 Kampwirth - Nemesis (1g, 1a)
#3 VanZyl (1g, 0a)

Next up - On the road against the Buccaneers on 11-17-07 at 9:00p at New Hope South. Official AHA Scoresheet. -JB

Diablos vs. Nemesis. Sunday, 7:55, SLP East

Get Fired Up.

Lumberjacks Tonight!!

Bring any wildflowers you'd like pressed!

9:00 pm on Sheet 3 @ Blaine Super Rink. Wear your White Jerseys.

People I am Pleased With Right Now (Tuesday 11/6/07 1:12pm Edition)

1. JJ Barea - From D-League special kid to 25 points against the Kings. Nice. This is usually the part where I would make some joke about an offbeat interest of yours or some zany quote you gave in an interview. But my limited internet research yielded absolutely nothing even remotely interesting about you other than the fact that you are from Puerto Rico. Bueno!

2. Jason Terry - Obviously.

3. Jason "TOLD YOU" Witten - The people who usually watch Cowboys games with me have noticed a trend. Let's say I was Wade Phillips or Jason Garrett and I was trying to figure out what plays I wanted to call. I would be bad at this because my answer for everything is "pass it to Jason Witten" no matter what the situation is. And I think that opposing teams would probably not have to watch too much film to figure out that covering Jason Witten would cripple my entire offense and lead to many interceptions. Then when Jerry Jones told me I needed to come up with ANY play that doesn't consist of throwing the ball to Witten and I meekly squeak out the phrase "quarterback sneak?" and then I would lose my job and Jerry would have security escort me to clean out my desk. And I tend to shove half eaten snack bags of peanuts into desk drawers so there would probably be ants and Jerry would have to get someone to come in and spray for ants and then dock that from my final check. So I guess I'm glad they don't always listen to my suggestions that I tell to the TV. But seriously, I say "pass it to Jason Witten" more often than I say the phrase "wait, wait for it......wait for the snap....not again, Flozell!" which is often.

4. Stella McCartney - Her new jewelry line features a necklace with a single dangling leg pendant. Linda McCartney is cackling from Vegetarian Heaven right now.

5. Adrian Peterson - He's pretty good. If he were a Cowboy, I might even re-think my strict "pass to Jason Witten" policy.

6. TV and movie writers - Admittedly, I'm having a hard time sympathizing with the $200,000 average annual salary angle being used. And when I say "hard time sympathizing" what I actually mean is "using Google Earth to find the easiest point of entrance into the residence of whomever gets paid that kind of money to write things like Everybody Love Raymond." That being said, they are right. Overpaid and hack-ish (that's aimed at whoever wrote any word ever spoken on Will and Grace), but correct to demand royalties on new media views.

Nelson said what?

Some of you may be wondering what Steve Nelson was saying to one of the Muskies behind the net during the Diablos Saturday night game. Nelson, a historian of Minnesota hockey, took a page from Herbie's book...



Also, deer hate eggs.

Diablos Boat the Muskies

St. Louis Park, MN. 11-03-07. Coming off a big win over the Bruins in their first regular season game as a team, the Diablos hockey club looked to build on their success. The result? A 5-0 win, two more points, and the opportunity to at least retain a share of first place in the D1 West Division.

Sporting a lineup depleted of regulars, the Diablos filled in with their able bodied subs and did what it took to secure the victory. Saturday's game featured the first game of the regular season for regular goalie Justin Alderink, defensemen Greg Smith and Ryan Carroll, and forwards Mike Monroe and Rocco Bonello. Missing from the lineup were defensemen "Big" Andy Suerth and Andy Claypool, and team Captain forward Todd Ewing. All three subs, Larry Eckman, Dave Christianson, and Dean Groth stepped up and played well.

The game started well with the Diablos, wearing their home whites with the intimidating devil on the front, carrying the play in the first period. The Muskies came out flat and the Diablos took advantage. LW John Blasingame scored his first AHA regular season goal at 10:11 of the first, stuffing home a loose puck in the crease from behind the net. C Steve Nelson got the assist with his strong play out front and several shots from close in that put the Muskies' goalie down. The Diablos got another hard working goal at 5:42 of the period when C Peter Sinesio scored his first AHA goal on a feed from LW Jarick Losey, the other half of the Diablos' "Maniacs."

In the second period the Muskies came out flying and carried the play. The Diablos' forwards couldn't find their legs. The defense stepped up and kept the play to the outside and G Justin Alderink stood tall. The period ended with the Diablos clinging to their two goal lead and looking to regroup.

In the third period the Diablos took advantage of the Muskies' shorter bench and regained control of the game as the Muskies lost steam. C Steve Nelson broke free at the blue line and scored on a nifty wrist shot from 30 feet out at 10:08 of the period, rifling the best shot of the day past a screened Muskies' goalie. At 6:04 of the period Nelson broke another one free and went in on a two on one with LW John Blasingame. Nelson tried to pass across to Blasingame for the shot, but Blasingame was hooked down by a Muskies defender and never got a shot away. On the ensuing power play, just 24 seconds in at 6:28, LW Jarick Losey scored his first AHA goal, banking a shot off a defenseman's chest. C Peter Sinesio got the assist. C Ted Reiff iced the game just 19 seconds later at 6:09 with his second goal of the year. LW Rocco Bonello picked up his first point of the year with the assist on Reiff's goal.

All in all a solid performance for the Diablos with all three forward lines contributing goals. Goalie Justin Alderink was exactly as advertised, turning aside everything the Muskies threw at him, and the defense made sure that most of the shots he saw were from bad angles or at least partially blocked out front. The Diablos did a better job this week staying out of the penalty box and only had to kill off one penalty late in the game. Shots on goal for the Diablos were 6-9-9 for 24, for the Muskies 4-8-8 for 20.

Stars of the game:

#1 G Justin Alderink
#2 C Steve Nelson (1g, 1a)
#3 The Maniacs - C Peter Sinesio and LW Jarick Losey (1g, 1a each)

Next up - At home again against the Nemesis on 11-11-07 at 7:55pm at SLP East. Official AHA Scoresheet. -JB

ToddLove re: Muskies D1

Stick to the basics people tomorrow and stay in your positions. If any last second changes and someone can't make the game, contact John B. or JD ASAP. We should do ok tomorrow with Christenson, Smith & Groth in the line up. Our biggest plus is our regular goalie, Justin, will be playing. Defense clear the guy out front and remember one of you must get the puck in the corner. I know you will all miss my yelling tomorrow night so enjoy my absence.

Slayer - Seasons in the Abyss

If you listen to it backwards at 4:21, I swear I can hear them say "Cover the Point!" Hook the Muskies!

Upcoming Game & Practice

This Saturday, the Diablos will host the D1 Muskies. The game is at 9:45 pm at the St. Louis Park Arena (East). Last week, the Muskies defeated the Nemesis 1-0. Should be a good tilt.

Next Thursday, November 8th, the Diablos will play a "friendly" with the Lumberjacks of D1 East at 9:00 pm on Sheet 3. The Diablos should wear their white jerseys.

Here's the map.


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Ok, I guess that will do just fine

I have a confession. I expressed my doubts on the Mavs chances of breaking their post-season curse yesterday. I thought that the burn was too bad from the Golden State fiasco. Now obviously one win is not enough to make me completely rethink my position but last night was totally impressive. Holding LeBron James to 10 points (none of which he scored until the third quarter) is admirable. Jason Terry was admirable. Devin Harris was admirable.

I'm still reserved about this season but the fact that I even watched the game last night after swearing off Mavericks games for three seasons or more after last year's seizure means I must somewhere deep down believe that this team still has a chance. And more importantly, has figured out how to not blow chances. We shall see.

God, I hope the Colts win on Sunday.