The Zen of Melrose

Highlights of 13 years of Mullet on ESPN.



Mullet being interviewed by former partner, Steve Levy.



The Diablos will be keeping an eye on the Lightning next season, for sure.

Heroes Con Report 2008: Read the Report, Stick Around for the Photos

It was another fantastic Heroes Con last weekend...awesome, as usual, and came at a great time, as I was really ready for a break from my Mr. Mom duties. Sadly, it's one of only two conventions I get to do this year (the other being SPX). Fortunately, it's so much fun that it's like a year's worth of shows in one weekend!

Special thanks go out to my mother- and father-in-law, Bob and Linda in Greensboro, for letting my pals and I crash at their house on Thursday night, leaving only a third of the trip to be tackled Friday morning. In the past, I've always gotten up at the crack of ass Friday morning to make the five-hour trip, leaving me behind on sleep and playing catch-up all weekend. This was definitely the way to go!

It was a busy weekend from stem to stern at the old table...every time I got up to leave and check out some of the other booths, someone would walk up and I'd spend the next ten minutes talking with them. Likewise, on the occasion when I did slip away for a few minutes, I'd keep an eye on my spot across the way and dash back over when someone stopped by. Good for the ol' pocketbook, not so good for bringing home a bunch of fanboy bullshit. In fact, about all I picked up that could be considered really geeky is the Essential HULK Vol. 1, which I acquired for the measly sum on five bucks. Otherwise, nothing. Usually I try to swing some con deals on Sunday, but with a panel on Sunday afternoon and a full house, I just didn't have the time to search 'em out! I looks like that Emma Frost camel-toe statue will have to wait until next year.

Lessee, I did pick up some cool books here and there: Alex Robinson's new one, TOO COOL TO BE FORGOTTEN, which was the first thing I read when I got back, and really enjoyed. Alex does such a great job at setting the scene, at making you feel part of the world he's creating...he's just an excellent talent. Also finally picked up Pat Lewis' THE CLAWS COME OUT, which I'm gonna try to read tonight. Picked up Kyle Webster's new LIGHT CHILDREN and Dean Yeagle's cheese-cakey MANDY'S SHORTS, sold by the ever-lovin', ever-charmin' Alberto Ruiz at BrandStudio Press. Got some minis from JCC, Duane Ballenger, Jim Rugg, Laura Park, Shannon Smith, Josh Latta, and Brad McGinty. Got one'a them sweet Jim Mahfood-illustrated Indie Island t-shirts. Chatted with Heidi MacDonald and Chris Duffy, my editor at Nickelodeon Magazine a bit, and finally met Tom Spurgeon for the first time!

I also goofed around a good bit with my neighbors, the Dollar Bin guys. They're always good for about a thousand laughs, even though Dustin had them scurrying around like fire ants trying to record every single panel at the show. The Dollar Bin guys also introduced me to the lovely Rachelle Gougen, of the Living Between Wednesdays blog and Halifax, Nova Scotia. I had a completely unlikely yet totally fascinating conversation with her about such topics as Sloan, Sidney Crosby, the QMJHL, Jimmy Beaulieu and the fact that Darwyn Cooke shops at the comic store where she works. She did me a major solid later on, when she introduced me to the man himself, as I nervously handed him some comics and tried to stammer out how big a fan I was as he sketched the Green Lantern in my NEW FRONTIER ABSOLUTE EDITION. Definitely one of the high points of the weekend, and the biggest fanboy moment I've had in years.

I was wondering how sales, attendance, etc. would be this year given the economic mess our country has sunk into over the last twelve months. For my part, I didn't really notice much of a change...much to my good fortune, I always seem to have many of the same people walk up year after year and inquire "What's new?" before plunking down some cash. Still, there were rumblings, I guess, about other exhibitors not doing as well. I dunno. Call it impatience or whatever, but I really feel like any exhibitor who expects to set the world on fire exhibiting at a show like Heroes for the first time is deluding themselves. It's a receptive crowd, but it is still a more mainstream crowd, and it takes time to win them over. In my eyes, (and I've been there since the beginning) Indie Island is an unqualified, spectacular success...Shelton and Dustin have given us he keys to the kingdom, and have allowed creators like myself access to all kinds of new readers. Unlike on that TV show, this Island isn't going anywhere, and I can't help but think that anyone who's producing quality stuff that shows up for a second and third year will see interest increase every time.

Another thing I took away from the show was a tremendous amount of enthusiasm and a renewed desire to push myself to create some new, fantastic work. For one thing, I desperately want to complete SELLOUT sometime before the sun grows dim. I've been working on it for awhile, in stolen moments here and there, but I think it's past time I really buckled down and started churning out the pages. My self-imposed deadline is growing ever-nearer, and I'd love to actually bring something in on time for once, even if it's just for myself. I'm also considering making the next ATOM-BOMB BIKINI into something really special. Maybe full-color, hardcover...but also a bit more expensive. We'll see. There are offers, I just need to ascertain exactly how many people would plunk down the cash for my girlie drawings. Be interesting to see how it turns out.

No Heroes Con report would be complete without HUGE thanks going out to everyone on the staff that make it so great. Shelton, Dustin, Shawn, Todd, Andy, Rusty...everybody soooo nice, even to a nobody like me. My heart swells with apprecation, and I love 'em for it. I'd fight a tiger for Heroes Con!

Finally, the pics. One of the advantages to having a baby is that you need to have a good camera to capture ever goddamn thing...lucky for me, it also takes great pictures at the comicon!



Draw, monkey, draw!




Brad McGinty was doing hilarious, awful portraits of con-goers as sexy ladies for only five bucks. Here's Scott "posing" with his. I feel sorry for this drawing.




The aforementioned Brad, with Josh Latta and Shannon Smith.




J Chris lords over his tiny minions!




Do I look like I need reference for Big Barda?




Kelly Alder, selling the PopIdiot tees and corrupting America's youth.




I love this photo of J Chris, Brad and Josh, but the unexpected Pat Lewis sighting in the BG pretty much elevates it to classic!




JimRugg pretends to remember who J Chris is again.




The Joker takes care of Duane Ballenger's other eye.




Adam and Shawn enjoy the "latest" in alcoholic beverages.




Before we knew it, it was six o'clock Sunday, and it was "Goodbye, Charlotte" until next year.

I May Be a Sore Loser...

...but at least I'm not a welcher. As per the stipulations of our wager, I wore Jeff Brown's Red Wings jersey last Saturday at Heroes Con. Lucky for me, the convention hall was hotter than hell, and he let me take it off after a scant four hours (allowing me to reveal my Penguins/ Jordan Staal T-shirt underneath). What a pal!

In all honesty, it wasn't too bad, and if the number of people who came up and gave a hard time knowing the situation was irksome, at least it let me know that people are actually reading all this nonsense. And it made me glad I never went through with that "2 Girls, 1 Stanley Cup" idea I had a couple days after the finals ended.

Courtesy of the boys at the Dollar Bin, and used without permission, here's a little bit of photographic evidence. BOO! Red Wings stink!

Don't Worry Guys, I Solved Teenage Pregnancy

There's no issue that makes my blood reach the boiling point quicker than teen pregnancy so you can imagine the cardiopulmonary issues this story has caused me. In the New Amanda Order, all girls will be taken aboard the Magic Menstrual Carpet the day they become a woman and will be fitted with an IUD (originally typed IED, which everyone knows will be reserved only for the really bad girls) that can only be removed after a minimum of 10 years of hard lessons and ill-advised moves and multiple bad relationships and numerous evictions. I think it's silly to say that Juno encourages teen pregnancies. It encourages speaking like you live in an endless episode of Gilmore Girls. It encourages poor taste in soundtrack purchases. It encourages people to say the phrase "This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet", which is a terrible phrase to let escape your mouth. But teen pregnancies? Nope not buying that. Jamie Lynn Spears? Here's the thing. I only vaguely knew who she was before she was pregnant. Once she was pregnant, she was on the cover of magazines! Her boyfriend proposed to her! She got registered for presents! She got attention! She probably didn't get in trouble for anything because all she had to do was say "But I'm pregnant!" So in a way, though I'm sure she didn't intend to, I think she showed young girls that being a pregnant teenager brings you attention and gifts. Neat!

What amazes me about not only the Gloucester pregnancy story, the Jamie Lynn Spears story and pretty much anyone under, say, 30 (I only partially kid) who is pregnant right now is that it wasn't that I was "careful" or "good" or "well-behaved" in high school. Getting pregnant in high school was as much of an option as turning into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger was. I don't remember my mom having any big talks with me. I don't remember any sort of finger wagging or head shaking. It just wasn't on the table. If I were to make a list of things that were achievable in high school, conceiving a child would have come in somewhere between leasing-to-own Wonder Woman's glass plane and being Jared Leto's date when he picked up his Nobel Peace Prize.

Obviously, I have the biological and genetic material needed to make a baby as did many, nay, all males at my school. But shop class probably had enough fertilizer to make a decent pipe bomb too. That never interested me either. Both of them would have been loud, obnoxious and gotten me in trouble.

I have done some very rudimentary surveying of the opinions of some people I know (read: who was on gmail when this story first came out) and the opinions are both opinionated and easy for me to cut and paste:

First off, my mom. My mom is actually completely qualified to opine on this. She teaches at an alternative high school which is where they send all the pregnant teens. She has a 17 year old student who, upon giving birth to twins, is now a proud mother of FOUR. That's right I said both PROUD and FOUR. And she has diabetes now too though I guess the good news is that there will be no shortage of Insulin Helpers.

Mom's response:

I read this story in today's NY Times. It doesn't really surprise me. I have even had male students ask me what was the best way to get their girlfriend pregnant. There is a group that encourages each other and there is nothing we can say that will mean more than what their friends are saying and doing. These pregnancies are not accidents. No program is going to stop or decrease this trend until it becomes unpopular to be a teen parent.

Thank you for being in the unpopular crowd.

Love you,

Mom

While the little slam about being unpopular at the end was a little brutal, I guess she has had time to come up with all those zingers because she hasn't had to babysit my teenage bellyfruit. So I will take it with grace.

Aaron's response (he really got into the 24-year old homeless guy angle):

[15:35] clearspider: so crazy.

[15:37] amandacobra: yeah. TWENTY FOUR YEAR OLD HOMELESS DUDE!!!!!! girls need to have their vags taken away

[15:38] amandacobra: pass your vags to the front of the class. they will be returned when you stop wearing j lo perfume

[15:38] clearspider: lucky guy though. that's like HOBO HEAVEN!!!

[15:39] clearspider: we don't need a condom in hobo heaven

[15:39] amandacobra: i bet that baby's got a great dna setup

[15:39] amandacobra: mom's stable, dad's stable

[15:40] clearspider: good, solid church background

[15:40] amandacobra: good support system to raise the kid. i want to see the scrapbook. "here's daddy's garbage barge we brought you home to"

[15:41] clearspider: he cleans up real good don't he

And finally, Philip says it short but sweet:

philiprobison: holeeee shit

me: yeah. 24 year old homeless dude
kids are fucking bad. i'm glad i liked the smiths and ramen and not making eye contact in high school

philiprobison: Yeah, I'm glad I had an incredibly chick-attracting propensity to wear vests over t-shirts and a super-stylish buttcut.

me: that's the thing. when i think about what i and everyone i knew looked like in high school, i know why no one got pregnant. we were goofy looking theater students. there wasn't a chance of that happening. these kids need to be put in theater asap

philiprobison: Yeah, if I have a girl, I'm going to force her to dress like a poligamist colony resident.

me: listening to the smiths and eating too many carbs worked well for me. i would recommend that

philiprobison: duly noted





And so there you go, folks. The solution to teenage pregnancy is all or one of the following options:

1. changing the social perception of teen pregnancy as being acceptable and cool
2. stop offering free teen sex to hobos
3. get all teenagers into the Smiths (will vouch for that one personally)
4. high carbohydrate diet
5. "the buttcut"
6. school uniforms for boys include mandatory vest over t-shirts
7. Theater Arts

Seriously, Theater Arts is pretty much all you need. No Theater kid ever got pregnant. Ever.

Okay... Melrose.

Barry Melrose will be named the head coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning this morning. The 51 year old former ESPN analyst and Saskatchewan native will be named in a press conference this morning in order to replace the deposed John Tortorella.

Melrose played over three hundred games, splitting time between Winnipeg, Toronto and Detroit between 1979 and 1987 and amassed 728 penalty minutes. He won the Memorial Cup with Medicine Hat in his first season as a head coach and led the Los Angeles Kings to the Stanley Cup Finals by coaching some guy named Wayne Gretzky. He is also a major movie star with his newest film appearance in "The Love Guru" where he plays the main love interest of Jessica Alba.

In an unusual move, the new Tampa Bay ownership released video of the selection process which resulted in Melrose's hiring. The other candidates, Brian Engbloom, Tony Espisito, Bill Clement, and Melrose were evaluated by Vincent Lecavilier.

Con Sketchin'

I'll have more on Heroes Con a little later (here's a hint...It was great), but for now, here are a few of the sketches I did for folks at the show: Cavewoman, Firestar, and the ubiquitous Black Canary!

Grandville's Lorenz to NOJHL

Grandville's Tom Lorenz joins the ranks of recent West Michigan grads who will be playing Junior A in the fall. Bulldog coach Mike Bynski sent me a note this afternoon that Lorenz will be playing with the new Soo Eagles team, joining Big Rapids' Nick Goodfellow. Lorenz was a senior defenseman for Grandville last season and made first team all conference and the honorable mention all state

BR's Goodfellow to NOJHL

Looks like recent Big Rapids grad Nick Goodfellow is heading to Saulte St. Marie next year to play for the new Junior A team called the Soo Eagles. My Big Rapids blogger sends this update:"Nick a two year defensive player is known for his intensity and pure love of the game. Nick is a fierce player with excellent “all around “skills and should provide an immediate impact to this newly

Heroes Con is Imminent

I'll be leaving tonight for beautiful Charlotte NC to exhibit at the Heroes Convention all weekend! Here's a few last-minute details:

• I'll be at Table #501 in Indie Island, along with the rest of the cool kids.

• I'll have T-shirts for sale, hot off the screen-print press! Men's, women's and kid's sizes...it's kinda just a trial run to see how they do, so get 'em while they last!

• As usual, I'll be doing sketches! I can't seem to upload 'em at the moment, so you can peep a few of 'em here.

If you're a funnybook fan, I can't imagine any show short of San Diego with more to offer...and even then, Heroes is all about the comics, not movies and video games and all that other bullshit. Hell, even the weather should be nice! Hope to see you there!

The First Truly Disturbing Thing So Far This Week That I Witnessed in My Office Building

The award goes to......

As I waited to get on the elevator after picking up an iced tea from the restaurant downstairs, I was joined by two fellow office building workers. One was a morbidly obese woman who was carrying a Costco sized jar of off-brand mayonnaise. Half-eaten. The other was a man carrying a Nikon SLR camera in one hand and a package of Pampers in the other. I boarded the elevator with them only to find that we were all headed to the same floor. Upon disembarking from the elevator, their journeys were thankfully shorter than mine was. Because they each went straight into their respective gender's bathrooms. Each with what I am hoping and praying were items from a scavenger hunt in their hands.

A Look Ahead to the First Half of the 2008 Cowboys Season

(This is also a pretty blatant plea for someone to hook me up with a ticket to a Cowboys game this season since I spend all this time and thought on this team but have yet to actually be able to attend a game. I'm making the puppy dog face right now. And I'm standing on a street corner in the rain with holes in my shoes. And a dog with one floppy ear. And a soggy foam finger)

And now I present the first half of the Cowboys 2008 season up to the BYE, complete with some predicted highlights and lowlights:


Sun, Sep 7 @ Cleveland (FOX) 3:15 PM

First, and most importantly, we will all realize how quickly we forgot how much we hate that Fox Football Transformer robot. There will be agonized groans as he showboats back into our collective consciouses. If the 2008 football season were a very very cold swimming pool, the Cowboys will be starting off the season with the "ease in very very very very very slowly" approach by playing the Browns in Cleveland. Did you know that Browns fan have filled 99.8% of the seats at home games for the past 7 years, despite having a pretty dismal record? Did you know that there can be .02% of a seat at a football game? I might have a theory as to why the idea of even watching a horrible football team sounds appealing to the citizens of Cleveland. I was once on the road with a band that played a show at the House of Blues amphitheater in Cleveland, which is right next to the Cuyahoga River. A river that has, on multiple occasions, caught on fire. So, you know, might as well go see a Browns game.

Mon, Sep 15 PHILADELPHIA (ESPN) 7:30 PM

The first home game of the season. Which is a shame because I always like the danger and retardation of playing at a stadium full of people so unable to control their most base instincts that they had to establish a courtroom inside the stadium. Can we start making jokes about Andy Reid's sons yet? Please? I never understood why everyone had such a kid gloves approach when it came to some spoiled white kids who drove around in cars their dad paid for buying heroin with his credit card. Oh yeah, and I like Donovan McNabb for some reason. I think the Cowboys will win because Donovan McNabb hates every second of his life that he plays for the Eagles. BUT, far more importantly, this allows me to mention a woefully overlooked gem of family cinema. My friend Chrissy and I used to be obsessed with watching the Disney movies that slipped through the cracks. Which lead us to discover The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon starring Tony Danza. This movie is amazing.


Sun, Sep 21 @ Green Bay (NBC) 7:15 PM


Some guy not named Brett Favre will be quarterback and, Allah willing, Jessica Simpson will be knocked unconscious with a large block of cheddar. Pacman Jones will unsuccessfully try to shove singles into the back flap of a lap dancer's flannel footie pajamas, a staple of the Wisconsin strip club experience. He will get frustrated but, having grown up since his suspension and reinstatement, instead go back to the hotel to join the rest of the team in the the weekly prayer vigil held over Terry Glenn's knee.


Sun, Sep 28 WASHINGTON (FOX) 3:15 PM

Finally, the season gets started. I say that because night games, Monday games, ESPN games and games against the Browns aren't real games. Just extended pre-season games. Also, this would be a great time to avenge that humiliation that Washington handed the Cowboys at the end of last season. Also, by this point, I assume that if Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are still together, one or all of the following things will have happened:

1. She will have been ripped apart in the stands of Texas Stadium until all there is left is a pile of hair extensions, pools of Restylane and small splotches of Mystic Tan in the box seat she once occupied

2. Tony Romo will become the first female NFL quarterback due to the voluntary neutering he underwent at the hands of Joe Simpson

3. Tara Reid will become the new Assistant Special Teams coach

4. The Cowboys will not be playing very well and most of the blame will be laid at the feet of Tony "Brah" Romo and the distraction his poor taste has brought to the team

Washington by three.

Sun, Oct 5 CINCINNATI (CBS) 3:15 PM

Awwwwwwwwwwww, that's cute. Cincinnati still has a football team! They're called the Bengals. Named after kitties! Awwwwwwwww, how presh. I just read the Wikipedia entry for the Cincinnati Bengals to try to bring you something, anything interesting about the franchise. They have no General Manager.....their stadium is one of the few not named after a corporate entity but the team's founder.......in 2001 and 2002, the Bengals wore white at home for games in preseason and September regular season games.......hey, remember the Ickey Shuffle, that was fun, right? Ah, nevermind.

Prediction: Terry Glenn plays this entire game on a Rascal and leads the Cowboys in receptions. And somehow returns an interception despite not playing defense and being on a Rascal. And the Bengals setting up to kick a field goal. This game is going to be just that wacky. Of course, Terry Glenn will then catastrophically re-injure his knee in the process of getting off his Rascal for a touchdown celebration dance. Which means he will have to start clipping coupons because who can live on a meager $500,000 a year? Looks like someone's gonna have to start using regular paper Post-It notes around the house, not the ones dipped in 14 karat gold upon which notes can only be etched by using a flawless conflict-free diamond-tipped peacock plume.

{Side rant: If you want to see me reach a state five stops down the line from livid, bring up the whole Terry Glenn holding out on the injury settlement thing. I have never gotten to go to a Cowboys game in person despite a near lifetime of fandom because I have never had the money or connections for tickets. Meanwhile, this guy spent last season eating Lemon Chills on the sidelines for 15 games and making several million dollars in the process. So now that the team owner doesn't feel like risking the prospect of paying him several million MORE dollars to watch the season from the world's greatest box seats in the event that he re-injures his knee, the team wants to cut his pay to a mouth-hooker low $500k a year. And that's IF he gets hurt again, which he swears won't happen. If he stays healthy, he will make what I imagine is just enough to feed his family at around $1.74 million a year. When I was a growing up and my shoes came from this hip boutique called "Our Church's Clothing Donations Closet", I'm pretty sure, had my Mom heard about Terry Glenn's difficult decision he's currently facing, she could have easily helped him make up his mind using only a few precisely chosen expletives and a blunt object. The End.}

Sun, Oct 12 @ Arizona (FOX) 3:15 PM

Boy, not quite the most thrilling start to a Cowboys season huh? Certainly can't be good news for a team with a two season-long record of crumbling towards the end. Oh well. As I have very little to say about the athletic prowess of the Arizona Cardinals, I will instead focus (as I always do) on the superficial matters. I despise Matt Leinart quite possibly more than I do Tom Brady. At least with Tom Brady, I get the feeling he's actually a pretty intelligent guy. Matt Leinart is thirty two shades of awful. I really can't stand the guy. So I am hoping for tons and tons of sacks in this game. Bone crushing, gender changing sacks. Thank you, Sack Jesus!

Sun, Oct 19 @ St. Louis (FOX) NOON

Chance of rain: 40%

Chance that Terry Bradshaw will appear drunk on Pregame show: 90%

Chance that Frank Caliendo will do one of his "hilarious" impressions during same Pregame show: 100%

Chance that T.O. will have been fined by the league by this point in the season: 50%

Chance that I will watch the 1st quarter of this game in bed: 78%

Chance of a Cowboys win: 89%


Sun, Oct 26 TAMPA BAY (FOX) Sponsored by PEPSI NOON

The game schedule I am using is taken directly from dallascowboys.com which means that the team has officially sanctioned the invention of a new measure of time henceforth known as "Pepsi Noon". So just imagine how fun it will be on what I imagine will be a brisk October morning. The leaves will be changing. We will finally be able to wear our blazers out again instead of walking around wearing sleeveless shirts like stepkids no one loves. We might have even attended an early Halloween party the night before dressed in some clever hipster costume. Of course, if you go dressed as Amy Winehouse you won't be able to see this Tampa Bay game because I will have personally smote you from the earth for being so unclever and unoriginal as to wear the costume that was already annoying and cliched last Halloween. Your bad. But we will wake up and wipe the JonBenet Ramsay handprints off our necks (tm ME 2008) and make sure that come Pepsi Noon, we are up and ready to watch our Dallas Cowboys take on the.......oh fuck.......really?......oh ok........the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

hooray

Sun, Nov 2 @ New York Giants (FOX) 3:15 PM

Yes, I am ready for some football. Thanks for asking. It's taken until November 2 to get my football blood pumping. But the day is here. The Dallas Cowboys take on the defending blah blah blah. Michael Strahan has retired to tend to his busy soup commercial schedule. Jeremy Shockey is taking night classes at Whiny Bitch College. I am contractually bound by the fact that I rooted for the Giants so hard in the Super Bowl to not say anything bad about Eli Manning. But finally, a game that I am going to squirm awkwardly in my rolly chair at work all week anticipating. It's not at some weird time (anything but 3:15) and it's not on some weird network (someone hit NFL Network's cage and tell it I just zinged it). Football rules. Organized sports. Etc.

And that brings us to the BYE. So I will end this with an BYE-like anecdote. My dad is a private pilot. He lives for flying planes and built his own plane. He has a very low opinion of people (like myself even) who don't like aviation. Which brings me to my dad's opinion of John Madden. As angry as I previously described getting over Terry Glenn, my dad gets catatonic when he sees John Madden. Tinactin commercials are like seeing Charlie in the jungle for him. His most angry tirade went something like this:

"My name is John Madden and I'm a big ol' fat boy who cries like a little bitch when I get on a big ol' scary airplane so I ride on my big ol' fat boy bus. Yep, I got me everything I need here on my fat boy bus including lots of Kleenex because I cry myself to sleep on my fat boy bus a lot while I eat potato salad in my sleeping bunk and think about how airplanes scare my fat ass. I know more people die in car accidents than plane crashes but I'm ol' fat boy John Madden and I don't wanna get up on no big ol' scary airplane so I'm just gonna take my time gettin' to places on my fat boy bus. Like a big scared ol' fat boy."

I'm not kidding. That's pretty much verbatim.

Star Wars at the Science Museum of Minnesota

I went to the new Star Wars exhibit at the Science Museum in St. Paul and took this video. WTF???

EGR's Glendenning to play at UM

East Grand Rapids center Luke Glendenning will join the University of Michigan hockey team next season as a walk-on, coach Red Berenson announced this week. A three-sport star in high school, Glendenning graduated in 2007 and spent a so-called "13th year" at Hotchkiss, a prep school in Connecticut. The story has it that U of M coaches were out east, scouting another player when they caught a

Happy Father's Day from the Diablos

Happy Father's Day from a bunch of muthers...

Here's a list of the 12 Worst Father's Day Gifts.

Hopefully you don't receive a treadmill - not that most of you guys don't need it.

New Books!

Hey, folks...finally have a couple of new books available in the shop: Teeny Bikini #4 and Crustacean Frustration!

Teeny Bikini #4 is another wee 20-page volume of sketchbook madness, along with several inked pieces and sporting a pop-art inspired, old-timey-esque comic cover.

Crustacean Frustration is a story of a chef and a lobster, of heartbreak and redemption. Also, curiously, it's pretty much all-ages, despite the fact that it's the only story I've ever done that involves a firearm! Hell of a country, ain't it?!

You can check out some pages from each book below, and scroll down a little further for the all important PayPal buttons! And as always, thanks for reading!

(PS: I'm aware that the spacing below surrounding the PayPal buttons is completely f'ed up...my apologies! If anyone can shed some light as to why, I'm all ears!)













Order TEENY BIKINI #4

Order CRUSTACEAN FRUSTRATION

Order BOTH!

Heroes Con 2008

Heroes Con 2008 is less than a week away! If you're planning to go and haven't bought tickets yet, take a gander at this fantastic print of the cast of DC: The New Frontier, illustrated by none other than special guest Darwyn Cooke! My inner fanboy is bubbling to the surface and drooling like a pitbull in August. Far as I know, the only way to get one is by purchasing a prepaid three-day admission. More details here.

!!!!!!

On the Wall

A few months back, my friend Jay Geldhof and I decided to each take a stab at illustrating the same character, a little exercise he cleverly coined "Character Assasination". We've only done two so far...Jedi Knight Aayla Secura and Female Fury Lashina...but both of us plan to get back on the horse and collaborate again once we have a free minute or our respective baby daughters head off to kindergarten...whichever comes first!

Anyway, Atom-Bomb Bikini reader Jason O. dug the Aayla Secura illo enough to acquire the original art! I threw in a color print of the finished product, and he recently sent me a sweet photo of the whole framed piece! Nice! It's always such an honor to see your work grace the wall of someone's home.

Wanted: More readers like Jason O.!

Hockey News of the Day

Lots of little hockey updates - none of which have to do with opening night of the AHA Summer Season.

The Wild traded a third round draft choice to Anaheim for defenseman Marc-Andre Bergeron. Let the offseason season of free agency, trades, and drafts begin!!! Here's the poop from Russo.

The "Dominator" has left the building. Dominik Hasek retired yesterday and should be elected to the Hall of Fame in about a week or so. He doesn't have as many rings as Marty or Roy, but has the Vezina's. Here is a good video from TSN.

Speaking of TSN, their parent company CTV in Canada purchased the rights to Canada's Second National Anthem, the Hockey Night in Canada theme song (which used to be Diablo Theme Song on your Right - copyright infringement). There was talk that the song was going to be shelved because the song's owner was pissed with the CBC. TSN owns the rights in perpetuity which means they will play the song for every show from now until the end of time.

Someone else agrees with me about Tiger Woods.

Fozzie's Coming Around... Kurtis Foster got a write up on Wild.com about his recovery. Good Luck Fozzie.

Another Wild player who had a devastating injury, Branko Radivojevic will be rehabbing his knee Rocky style because he signed a contract to play in the Russian Premier League. Great f'ing movie.



The Avalanche's are dipping in the Minnesota well again as they pick up former Roseville Raider and Hobey Baker winner Marty Sertich.

Finally, the NHL entry draft is right around the corner and the obvious #1 pick for the Tampa Bay Lightning is Steven Stamkos. Wanna see some sick moves?



Don't forget that the NHL awards will be given out Thursday night. That's it from the DiabloHockey newsdesk.

Musical Maids

A couple recent pieces from the Arts section of the Boston Phoenix: Prodigy Esperanza Spaulding and Dolly Parton (the headline, missing here, read "Backwoods Barbie", 'natch)!

Here's my annual list of top teams' senior losses from this year's squad and top returnees for next year...

WORLD SERIES TEAMS

ARIZONA STATE

Seniors: Katie Burkhart (P), Mindy Cowles (IF), Rhiannon Baca (SS), Jackie Vasquez (OF)

Key returnees:Kaitlin Cochran (OF, Jr.), Krista Donnenwirth (SS-3B, Fr.) (year of school shown is from past season)

TEXAS A&M

Seniors: Megan Gibson (P), Amanda Scarborough (P), Jami Lobpries (IF-OF), Jamie Hinshaw (3B)

Key returnees: Erin Glasco (C, Jr.), Kelsey Spittler (OF, Fr.), Natalie Villarreal (IF, Fr.), Alex Reynolds (DP-1B, So.), Holly Ridley (RF, Jr.)

FLORIDA

Seniors: Mary Ratliff (OF)

Key returnees: Kim Waleszonia (UT, Jr.), Stacey Nelson (P, Jr.), Francesca Enea (C, So.), Ali Gardiner (1B, Jr.), Aja Paculba (2B, Fr.)

ALABAMA

Seniors: Jordan Praytor (UT), Chrissy Owens (P), Dani Woods (IF)

Key returnees: Kelsi Dunne (P, Fr.), Brittany Rogers (OF, Jr.), Kelley Montalvo (UT, Jr.), Lauren Parker (IF, Jr.), Charlotte Morgan (P-UT, So.)

UCLA

Seniors: Anjelica Selden (P), Ashley Herrera (IF), Krista Colburn (OF)

Key returnees: Megan Langenfeld (P-1B, So.), GiOnna DiSalvatore (IF, Fr.), Donna Kerr (P, Fr.), Monica Harrison (SS, Fr.), Amanda Kamekona (IF, Jr.)

LOUISIANA-LAFAYETTE

Seniors: Holly Tankersley (DP-OF), Vanessa Soto (2B)

Key returnees: Ashley Brignac (P, Fr.)

ARIZONA

Seniors: Taryne Mowatt (P), Callista Balko (C), Adrienne Acton (OF)

Key returnees: Lauren Schutzler (OF, Fr.), Brittany Lastrapes (OF, Fr.), Sam Banister (1B, Jr.), Jenae Leles (3B, Jr.), Laine Roth (1B, Jr.), K'Lee Arredondo (SS, So.)

VIRGINIA TECH

Seniors: Angela Tincher (P), Caroline Stolle (OF)

Key returnees:

SUPER-REGIONAL TEAMS

Michigan

Seniors: Samantha Findlay (2B), Alessandra Giampaolo (OF)

Key returnees: Angela Findlay (OF, So.), Maggie Viefhaus (3B, So.), Dorian Shaw (1B, Fr.), Jordan Taylor (P, Fr.), Nikki Nemitz (P, So.)

Northwestern

Seniors: Darcy Sengewald (IF)

Key returnees: Tammy Williams (SS, Jr.), Lauren Delaney (P, So.), Nicole Pauly (2B, So.), Erin Dyer (C, Jr.), Kelly Dyer (OF, So.)

Oklahoma

Seniors: Lauren Eckermann (P), Savannah Long (IF)

Key returnees: Amber Flores (OF, So.), D.J. Mathis (P, Jr.), Samantha Ricketts (1B, Jr.), Lindsey Vandever (C, So.)

Stanford

Seniors:

Key returnees: Missy Penna (P, Jr.), Alissa Haber (OF, So.)

Houston

Seniors: Angel Shamblin (P)

Key returnees: Jessica Valis (SS, Jr.), Laurie Wagner (OF, Jr.)

Missouri

Seniors: Jen Bruck (P/UT), Amanda Renth (1B)

Key returnees: Stacy Delaney (P, Jr.), Rhea Taylor (OF, Fr.), Andee Allen (2B, Jr.)

Georgia

Seniors: Sojourner Moody (UT)

Key returnees: Sarah McCloud (P, Fr.), Taylor Schlopy (P-OF, Fr.), Kristin Schnake (IF, Jr.), Megan Wiggins (IF-OF, Fr.)

California

Seniors: Julie Meyer (C), Erika Racklin (OF), Katie Vickers (IF)

Key returnees: Valerie Arioto (UT, Fr.), Marissa Drewrey (P, So.)


One team that did not make the super-regionals, but is worthy of notice, is the University of Washington. As noted in this article looking forward to next year's Pac 10 season, star pitcher Danielle Lawrie is expected to return to the Huskies after pitching this year for the Canadian Olympic team.

UPDATE: As is inevitable, I tend to omit a few players whom many observers feel are important to their respective teams, either as departing seniors or returing players. Both to publicize the list and to allow others to suggest additions to it, I traditionally start a discussion thread at Ultimate College Softball. Here is the current thread, which contains several suggestions for additional players. My thanks to the contributors to this discussion from UCS.

Coming Soon: Teeny Bikini #4

Printing this week, available by Friday!

Stanley Cup Finals: Broken Down a Little at a Time...

so that the season doesn't end so abruptly.

Here's a tribute to the Conn Smyth Trophy winner, Hank Zetterberg.



This is so awful that its tasty. Like Zamboni fumes.

Also, a required read from the Slap Shot blog put on by the New York Times. If you watched the last seconds of game six, you'll know exactly what they're writing about. Tick...Tick...Tick...

Abdelkader Hoists the Cup

My blogger buddy from Mona Shores checked in for the first time in a few months and sent me a pic of Sailor alum Justin Abdelkader lifting the Cup after the Red Wings win. Wondering if he'll try to bring it home for the upcoming Mona Shores golf fundraiser at the Oakridge Country Club in Norton Shores. BTW, that event is being catered by Above & Beyond Banquet, Catering & Events, which I

Anybody But Them

(This post is incredibly negative, everything Buzz Bissinger and Michael Wilbon hate about blogs. Consider yourself warned.)

What a difference a day makes.

I suppose this is the part where I'm expected to say "Congrats to Detroit, they played a great series blah blah blah" and all that shit. Well, fuck that. I make no claims of objectivity. Man, I hate the Red Wings! The only time these assholes seem to get their shit together enough to win it all it's against a team I like (this year, '02 vs. Carolina, etc.). And here they are, again, those same senior-citizen pretty-boy assholes who I've had to endure for the last fifteen fucking years. I'm so sick of the Red Wings that I could spit. So to hell with them. And if you're a Wings fan, I don't know what to tell you..defend 'em all you want, tell me you like my team too, it's not really gonna change my mind. Your four cups=I despise your team. That's just how it is.

Lemme clue you in on something about sports...unless you're a fan of the team, a frontrunner, or the type of vagina that says things like "I just love to see the game played at its highest level.", you don't like teams that win all the time. It's boring, it's a total snooze. Obviously, the fans in Detroit feel that way, since they couldn't even be bothered to sell out their own arena for every playoff game.

I hate to pollute a post this negative with optimism, but I am really proud of how the Penguins played all through the playoffs, coming so close and refusing to go down quietly. And while they do have a great future, nothing's guaranteed, and you have to appreciate and take advantage of the chances that come your way. The point is, I loved this team, and I really wanted this team to win it. Several of these guys'll be gone in a month, and that's gonna suck. All so Kris Draper and Kirk Maltby could win again! Ugh, it makes me sick.

So, fuck. Now it's over. I know at some point in the future I'll look back at this year's playoff run with different eyes and remember it as a fun ride, but all I feel right now is frustrated, angry, and bitter, bitter disappointment. Plus, thanks to that stupid bet I made, I have to wear a Red Wings jersey at Heroes Con in three weeks, a fucking Chris Osgood jersey, of all things...the thought alone just makes me want to shove a sharpened pencil into my brain.

Also, I've had a few requests, both in the comments sections and in several emails hoping for and asking about a drawing celebrating the Wings winning the cup. I'm baffled by this...I'm glad you like my work and all, but anyone who's read even one of my hockey-related posts has to know who I'm rooting for, that I'm pretty passionate about it and how thoroughly unenjoyable and, frankly, impossible it'd be for me to do something like that. Maybe it's typical that fans who follow the Wings, who've had nothing but success for the last ten years...are just clueless. They haven't had to endure any disappointment, so they have no appreciation for those who have. Anyway, sorry, it's not gonna happen.

Fuck it, I'm going to bed,

Stanley Cup Finals: Game Six Preview

Jarkko Ruttu's contributions to yesterday morning's game are documented by the fine folks at Knob Hockey.



I would pay big money to walk inside the ropes with a Tiger / Ruttu twosome.

diablohockey.blogspot.com - your leader in occasional hockey coverage.

...CONGRATS TO ARIZONA STATE... ...2008 NCAA WOMEN'S SOFTBALL CHAMPIONS...

Sun Devil pitcher Katie Burkhart tossed her second straight shutout of the championship series against Texas A&M, to clinch the national title for ASU. Even if the Aggies had managed to get on the board, however, Burkhart's teammates had things under control offensively, the result being an 11-0 victory for ASU in Game 2. The Devils' Kaitlin Cochran, who had repeatedly been walked intentionally in the World Series, finally put the metal to one, belting a three-run homer tonight.

With all the great pitchers gathered in Oklahoma City -- Virginia Tech's Angela Tincher, Arizona's Taryne Mowatt, and Florida's Stacey Nelson, among others -- Burkhart was perhaps overshadowed. Back-to-back shutouts in the championship round speak for themselves, however. A&M's Megan Gibson also had a great year in the circle, but she evidently ran out of gas tonight.

Article links:

ESPN.com/Associated Press

Graham Hays column (ESPN.com)

Arizona Republic

Bryan-College Station (Texas) Eagle

ASU athletics website

Texas A&M athletics website

Marathon

Having a ton of work to do, I decided I'd listen to last night's Game Five in my studio on the radio via NHL.com. That's how I'd been following the games all year, and while I wasn't counting the Penguins out, the possibility that this would be their last game until October made me want to make sure I listened to Mike Lange call one last contest before the long summer break. When the Pens scored twice early to take a 2-0 lead, I briefly considered moving to the couch to watch on TV...but superstition says stay with what's working, so I remained at my desk. As the lead evaporated and the Wings took the lead, my emotions began to take over, and unable to concentrate on what I was doing anyway, I flipped on the TV to witness what I hoped would be an amazing comeback, but feared would be the bitter end. My anger and disgust grew as the seconds ticked off...the Red Wing fans were chanting "WE WANT THE CUP!"...at one point, with about a minute remaining, I tried to think of what in the house might be flammable enough to burn the Stanley Cup patch I bought (with the intention of attaching to my Evgeni Malkin jersey) to unrecognizable cinders.

Then, the amazing happened, and Max Talbot whacked the puck past Osgood with 35 seconds left! Overtime. I went back to the radio and kept working while I listened. The Red Wigs seemed to get a ton of chances, but Fleury was amazing, stopping everything that came his way. The Penguins, thanks to a couple of sloppy plays by Detroit forwards, received a couple of 5-on-4 chances, but with the quarterback of their power play, defenseman Sergei Gonchar, in the dressing room after injuring his back earlier in the game, they had trouble even putting a shot on net with the extra man.

Overtime turned into second overtime, then third overtime...Once you're about an overtime-and-a-half in, you know the result is going to be one of the best memories you have of watching a hockey game, or feel like a colossal waste of time you'll forever remember with dread. The radio team kept mentioning how long Game Five had gone on vs. others in Finals history...seventh-longest...sixth-longest...fifth-longest...

About halfway through the third OT, and at about five minutes 'til one a.m., Detroit's Jiri Hudler high-sticked the Pens' Rob Scuderi in the face, drawing blood...a four-minute penalty instead of the usual two. Then, Mike Lange says Sergei Gonchar is coming out on to the ice. I'm astounded. And baffled. "Sarge" had returned?! My spirits were buoyed with hope, and soared 36 seconds later when the Pens' Petr Sykora got open for a pass by Malkin and fired one right past Osgood. "Heeeeeee shoots and scores!" I jumped up from the desk and ran to watch the celebration on TV.

I knew I'd be exhausted today, but I hardly even feel it. I am gonna cherish the experience of this game forever. Probably the best memory I have of watching a Penguins game is the four-overtimer vs. the Caps back in '96...my broke ass didn't have cable, so I stayed at the laundromat/bar where I worked (don't ask) 2 1/2 hours past midnight and closing time to watch Nedved bury one behind Kolzig. I have a new best memory...but it could get so much better.

Tomorrow is Game Six in Pittsburgh...somehow all those old-ass bitches who play for Detroit are gonna have to get their act together to play another game and take another whack at closing out the Pens and lifting the Cup.

Otherwise, it's Game Seven Saturday night. Anything can happen.

We're alive. It's June, and the Pittsburgh Penguins are still playing hockey.

Believe.

Mona's Carlston Headed to USHL?

Just got a note from one of my lakeshore sources that Mona Shores junior Brock Carlston may be headed to the USHL, having been selected to the preliminary roster of the Cedar Rapids Roughriders. The preliminary roster of 28, including 17 newcomers, must be reduced to 25 players by July 1.

Tiger, Have You Met Ryan Malone?

Poor Tiger Woods. He's been injured for a month now with a broken something or other. Perhaps its his vagina. He, for some reason or not, cannot play a full round of golf without his va-jay-jay hurting. I write this as my 68 year old neighbor is driving into his driveway after playing a full round this morning.

So what does Tiger do yesterday? He has a press conference, presumably called to discuss his snapper. When a reporter opened up the questions with a fairly harmless, "Wings or Pens?", here's what he said...

"I don't really care," Woods replied. "I don't think anybody really watches hockey any more, do they?"

Tiger, have you met Ryan Malone?



This occurred with 1:21 to go in the second period. Malone immediately went to the lockerroom. So you'd think he'd be done for the evening, Tiger? That's a pretty wicked injury - much worse than a stinky bajingo, huh?

Nope. Malone started the next period. He looked like twelve miles of bad road and had cotton coming out of one nostril, but he went back out and smiled. He played like he had a mouthful of bees - hitting Wings, laying down in front of shots, and creating the traffic in front of the net which helped Petr Sykora net the game winner in the third OT. His expression afterwards is why the Diablos play the game.



More from Tiger's favorite paper, the Beaver County Times - Malone's Heart Was Not Injured.

Epic!!!

Petr Sykora scored a power play wrister at butt-crack thirty in the morning to bring on Game 6. Hockey Lives For One More Night!!!

Arizona State has pushed across a run in the bottom of the first against Texas A&M, to lead 1-0 in the opening game of the two-out-of-three final championship series...

Krista Donnenwirth, whose hit drove in the Sun Devils' first run, adds a solo homer in the third, making it 2-0 ASU...

Donnenwirth adds yet another RBI in the fifth inning -- 3-0 Sun Devils...

...GAME OVER... ...3-0 ASU... ...SUN DEVILS LEAD SERIES 1-0...

Pens / Wings Game 4 Preview

Tomas Holmstrom will be back in the lineup and the Cup will be in the building as the Red Wings will try to hold off the Penguins to complete the series. Let's go to the guys at Knob Hockey for an in depth look at the keys to the game.



Fleury ought to try putting googly eyes on Holmstrom's jersey.

Game Five

Well, tonight the Pens take their 4-4 road record into Detroit for their last chance to stave off elimination. I think they'll win tonight, if just for spite...I'd like to see those humps in the stands in Detroit go home disappointed, knowing they wasted a big part of their unemployment checks on gas, food and tickets just to not see the Stanley Cup.

But no, I'm not bitter.

Things to Come

Game 3

With a spot in the final championship series against Arizona State on the line (see the Game 2 summary below), Texas A&M and Florida are scoreless after eight innings (the regulation seven, plus one extra inning).

UPDATE: Texas A&M has defeated Florida, 1-0 in nine innings. The Aggies got a key triple in the top of the ninth when Kelsey Spittler pulled a hard grounder pulled down the right-field line, to drive in the game's first -- and ultimately only -- run. A&M second-baseperson Natalie Villarreal, who dropped a crucial pop-up in the first game of the day with Florida, engineered a nice double play in the bottom of the ninth to help short-circuit a Florida rally.

The final two-out-of-three championship series, beginning Monday night, will thus pit Texas A&M against Arizona State. Not to toot my own horn too heavily, but I did write the following exactly one week ago, before the World Series even started.


Actually, over many years of being a sports fan, my predictive ability has probably not been any better than chance. Given how rare it is for me to forecast so well, I just wanted to bask in this success.

Game 2

Arizona State rode the three-run homer of Jackie Vasquez to a 3-1 win over Alabama. With the victory, ASU becomes the first team to qualify for the final championship series, a two-out-of-three affair that will take place on Monday, Tuesday, and (if necessary) Wednesday nights.

Game 1

Florida has just beaten Texas A&M by a score of 6-1, leaving each team with one loss for the World Series and setting up a rematch at 6:00 Central on ESPN2 for the right to go to the final championship series. Each team scored a run in the second inning. The Gators really broke the game open in the fourth. With one out and a runner on third, the Aggies dropped an infield pop up, allowing the runner to score. Florida then started teeing off on A&M pitching ace Megan Gibson with some long drives and the next thing you knew, it was 4-1 Gators.

A&M removed Gibson in the fourth, presumably because Coach Jo Evans thought a three-run deficit would be difficult to overcome and thought it better to save Gibson for the rematch. Interestingly, Gator Coach Tim Walton answered by removing his ace, Stacey Nelson, at the earliest available opportunity.

Next up: Undefeated Arizona State vs. once-beaten Alabama.